An Angel's Job

Adorkable Saturday, 1 May 2010
I really like this. It seems as if you rushed through the middle a bit, but it seems very unique, and I can see a lot of potential with this. I think was Lizzi is trying to elaborate, is that you're telling us whats going on, more than showing us. The way to show people is to add description galore, so that it's like we're there, watching from the sidelines. Anyway, I really like this. :)
Lyndsay Noemia Thursday, 15 April 2010
Thanks, Lizzi. And I sort of understand what you mean by "show not tell" but I don't quite get it, could you explain it? lol
Disappeared Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Very good start. I really see potential with this. Could I make a few suggestions?
Try to take the rule of 'show not tell' into consideration. Basically, 'show' us don't 'tell' us. Use indirect characterization, not direct characterization. Also, be careful with word usage. Try not to use the same words so much, it's hard I know, I'm still trying to work on that.
With fictional writing it is important, well for me, to use great imagery, and figurative writing. Try to use more similes, or metaphors, but I would suggest metaphors, because they are more powerful. Figurative speech really improves your writing, and gives it a depth and beauty.
But other than those few things, I really liked this. That guy seems gorgeous and I love guys like that. I'm a sucker for blue eyes and black hair. Oh, before I forget, here is an example of how you could make a sentence better, or less choppy. Instead of saying, 'Speaking in a voice that sounded as if Mozart himself had composed his voice...' you could say, 'Speaking in a voice that sounded as if Mozart himself had composed it...' That way you're not using the word 'voice' in the same sentence.
But anyway, your descriptions are good and you do a nice job of drawing in the reader. I hope my suggestions helped. :) Good job, and good luck. Keep writing!
cinnamon zombie Wednesday, 31 March 2010
okay, uh, i think we might be soulmates. xD
i love the hush sound, and i've never met anyone who's even heard of them. plus, i also have a strange fixation on boys with wings. bahah.
Melanie Robinson Friday, 16 April 2010
I loved this chapter. I'll probably like more though, as I read on. I agree with Lizzi, though.
As soon as they were doing pulses, I knew they wouldn't be able to find his pulse, as that has happened many times before.
Great chappy, great characters, great cliffhanger and great book (well, so far :) )
Disappeared Thursday, 15 April 2010
Nice chapter. I love his name! Ephraim seems really cool, but the no-pulse thing was a major unexpected cliffhanger.
My advice from before applies still, as it probably will for the rest of the book, only because that's just your style of writing. But the more you write the more you'll improve. :)
Great cliffhanger at the end.
cinnamon zombie Wednesday, 31 March 2010
i really didn't see that last part coming. that's so badass.
A.L.E.C. Wednesday, 31 March 2010
blythe.can't get over how much i like it.=D
Disappeared Thursday, 15 April 2010
I'm loving that fight. I hate guys like that jock. Ephraim is amazing. So manly. Another really good chapter. Unexpected surprise at the end with that Jasen fellow. Even though i'm sure he'll turn out bad, he seems like my kind of man.
Great job, and keep writing!
cinnamon zombie Wednesday, 31 March 2010
are you kidding me? i love gills and wings. you're totally my new best friend. :p
i like how manly ephraim is being. pahah.
cinnamon zombie Wednesday, 31 March 2010
her dad sounds just like mine. >.> all my friends are guys, and he's a single father, so he's always throwing some sort of fit.
i really like this, though. you're good at not leaving a bunch of holes in the story, unlike me. :p
juarez91 Sunday, 21 March 2010
lol i love how protective her dad is. more soon plz
cinnamon zombie Wednesday, 31 March 2010
her dad is a doucher. i love her mom, though. :D
juarez91 Wednesday, 24 March 2010
aww i hope they get together :) her dad really is cute about the whole thing its like every dad hates there little girl to date lol love it more plz
cinnamon zombie Wednesday, 31 March 2010
the "snobs" need to get their comeuppance. o_o
juarez91 Friday, 26 March 2010
aww there goona go see amovie cute.more soon plz.......4th line down you put was instead of way
Lyndsay Noemia Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Juarez91- Thanks (: Is there any chance you would pass this story along to your friends?
juarez91 Sunday, 28 March 2010
they sound cute together :)
Melanie Robinson Saturday, 17 April 2010
I love how they're so clumsy around each other yet so perfect for each other at the same time. Sooo cute xx
juarez91 Wednesday, 31 March 2010
lol that sounds like something i would do. ask "what" when some one goes to kiss me
Lyndsay Noemia Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Thank you cinnamon zombie and A.L.E.C. please feel free to pass this around to your friends lol. cinnamon zombie, Gills and Wings is an amazing band and my friend (twilighter17 check out her books they're also good) got me into the Hush Sound
cinnamon zombie Wednesday, 31 March 2010
ahhh, that's so cute. x_x
A.L.E.C. Wednesday, 31 March 2010
haha, love the start...and they're soooo (i don't really know the word) adorable/cute/perfect for each the love.=9
juarez91 Friday, 2 April 2010
lol cute
Melanie Robinson Saturday, 17 April 2010
Wow, this has taken a crazy turn. Good, though. Continue, please.
Lyndsay Noemia Saturday, 17 April 2010
lol took u long enough and where did i mix up the words? in this chapter?
Amy B. Saturday, 17 April 2010
I hav finally read ur book. great. nd i CANT wait till the next chapter is posted, email me when it is. (u got 'here' nd 'hear' mixed up, jsuk) AMAZING!!
Amy B. Friday, 23 April 2010
loved it. HA! 3 lines up u mispelled hear, again! ("No, there isn't, but I can HEAR Mr. Chadwick coming")
^supposed to be that.
Amy B. Saturday, 24 April 2010
Lyndsay Noemia Sunday, 25 April 2010
lol what?
Melanie Robinson Sunday, 25 April 2010
More, more, more! How do you like it? how do you like it? More, more, more!
Amy B. Friday, 30 April 2010
AHH! wats w/ the cliffhanger?? Write, write, write!!
Melanie Robinson Friday, 30 April 2010
OMG - Chills. Arrrgh, don't leave me on the cliffhanger like that. :) More, more, more!
Amy B. Monday, 3 May 2010
loved it. AMAZING!!
A.L.E.C. Friday, 7 May 2010
cool chapter title.very...i don't really know the more soon!=)

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