Comments
The Thief of Ashlon

 
MelodiusDreamer Friday, 1 May 2015
Extraordinary composion! The way you described surroundings was so beautiful. Outstanding work! Although, some places could possibly use less description, but overall, absolutely amazing.
 
T. Nissen Tuesday, 6 May 2014
Very beautifully written! I love it! Your story is the first here that has caught my eye, and is the first on my favorites! Only into the first chapter, and I'm already intrigued!
 
David Jae Friday, 21 February 2014
Very compelling. A rich world and engaging characters. Your descriptions are a little too much in places and should leave more to the imagination. However, you use suspense, intrigue and emotion well, making us care about your characters.

I did feel that the first Chapter was too long, but a good effort.

Ganbare
 
Eva Penn Tuesday, 13 August 2013
I LOVE THIS! i really admire your writing would really appreciate it if you gave my work a read? your feedback would be so wonderful!
great job! im still reading this!
 
Half-Blood Princess Sunday, 6 January 2013
Wow. You have a real talent for storytelling. It seems to come very naturally to you, so I hope that you choose to pursue writing. I'd love it if you could rate and comment on my book as well, A Past Life. Again, great job.
 
3rd Chance Sunday, 18 November 2012
Though the story contains many cliched fantasy elements that hold no surprise after years of repetition, the opening crawl comes roaring to life with astounding descriptions, painting a beautiful picture of high fantasy in an instant, before dragging me into the midst of a desperate dogfight high above the skies of a stunningly-rendered city in a matter of seconds. The rest of the story proceeds a little awkwardly, with funky dialogue and cluttered paragraphs. I felt the progression was a little too swift - the rest of the tale lacked the magnificent description in the opening, but retained its dreamy fantasy quality and kept the reader enamoured.
 
surfingpanda7 Saturday, 27 October 2012
Awesome ideas and writing! Nice choice of words and developed sentences. Really enjoyed it. If you have the time as well if you could come check out my new beginnings of a novel The Jewels of Neora. It has to do with elves and dragons and knights and castles and awesome stuff
 
Eíryn Grayce Sorenson Sunday, 24 June 2012
Thus far I have only read your first chapter, but what I read I liked. The description was phenomenal and the scenes and surroundings are vivid. The only complaint I would have is that I'm not entirely certain who the characters are. For example the character Juna. You mention her by name and then refer to her (I think it's her) as a prostitute? I wasn't sure whether or not you were referring to Juna or to a totally new character. Also there one part where I think the plot moves a little fast and that's when Talana meets Asikei. I mean, if a strange old man was randomly nice to you, wouldn't you be a little suspicious? But that's just my opinion. You needn't change it, these are just my suggestions. But I really really love your story. Read mine, please? “The Broken Throne Trilogy”. I need some feedback. Thanks :)
 
Andre Jones Wednesday, 30 May 2012
G'day
I too found your writing style easy to read. Well done for that!
But ...

I feel the majority of it is telling, not showing.
Instead of telling us the pie is too hot, show us this by Talana's reactions- the facial wince when the scalding meat hit her tongue, the sucking in of air to cool her mouth down...

Also, when using dialogue, don't put a period (full-stop) after the talk. eg "Hello, young miss," he said.

And, prior to Talana meeting Asikei, her manner of speech is way to proper for an uneducated, illiterate street urchin. I could understand it if she had been hanging around nobles and gentry, but from what I have read, she hasn't. She should only be able to speak as good as anyone she has been around - she wouldn't know any better.
It is part of the character building - if she starts off as a well-spoken child, and is then educated, how will we know? Talana should initially be talking like ignorant street scum, then as her education develops, you can modify her dialogue to suit. However, as you are trying to teach her in secrecy, she should still talk like gutter-scum when on the streets, but can change her speech when it suits the scene.

So... food for thought?
Do not be discouraged by my words. It's merely one of many opinions. I too have done the same thing years ago, and tried to rectify it when I've noticed, or when it has been pointed out.

You have put a lot of effort into this story. I'm impressed, and it is only chapter 1. World-building is fun; character-bulding is as well .. but the biggest reward is to have your characters move through their world, and we're along for the ride - but we can only see it through their eyes and other senses. But you have a long way to go to remove the telling, and SHOW us instead. I find the best way to do that is try to put yourself (or the reader) into their shoes. Sometimes it is adding a word or two.. sometimes it might require rewriting the whole paragraph ...
In the end, only you can decide if it is worth the effort. (I think it is ;)

So .. if you feel inclined, Palace of Eternity is available for your perusal as well ...

Thank you
Andre
 
Hollister902 Monday, 5 September 2011
this is a very well written first chapter! would you mind checking out my book and giving me some advice. it's my first books first draft, so it's not the best. It's called, "The Clock is Ticking"
Lee HH Cope Tuesday, 2 August 2011
I read this yet again today, still think it's great. Well done.
 
E.D. Putnam Thursday, 9 June 2011
Just finished chapter 1 and loving it so far. Talana is very cute and likable. I only noticed a few grammar errors so far.
Emi Al Monday, 23 May 2011
I agree with COPE, very descriptive writing.
Lee HH Cope Tuesday, 11 January 2011
wow, the first chapter is brilliant I will continue reading in the morning. I loved the way you use descriptive words. I am but a practising novice but if you have the time please could you read through The five spheres of Bohannin, I am looking for some constructive comments from fellow fantasy writers.
 
Megan McIntyre Saturday, 20 November 2010
I'm new to this site, but I think this story is awesome.

I love fantasy stories like these. You don't see this in Wattpad (the site where I used to go to) every day.
 
Eva Penn Saturday, 7 August 2010
I love this genre! I love all the details and descriptions! Just a few grammar mistakes but I REALLY LIKE IT!
~check mine out?
 
magicalwriter16 Saturday, 31 July 2010
sorry I meant noticed :)!
 
magicalwriter16 Saturday, 31 July 2010
I really enjoyed the first chapter.. yea I just notices a couple of grammer erros but I do the same... lol. Can't wait to read more.
Please in your spare time read the blind man's cave and comment. Thanks!
 
wiggygurl Monday, 21 June 2010
Good description. It seemed like a really nice story. Check on few grammar errors.

check out the world of the wonderers
 
E. Yazykova Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Absolutely fabulous!! So far I love it... I'll let you know if I find any hiccaups as I read more.
 
Cam Sunday, 31 May 2009
That was great. Rich with description, and a great read. I would maybe split it up, so that its not so daunting to read, but otherwise, I really enjoyed reading it. =)
 
Michiko Sunday, 3 May 2009
Wonderful descriptions! Loved it.
 
J Tuesday, 14 April 2009
I have to say, it was your title that really drew me in, and the story didn't disappoint. Your style of writing is great. It was a pleasure reading your work.
 
JT Hartke Saturday, 31 January 2009
One other piece of advice, as I get further into your work...

Try to vary your sentence structure. Don't always just open with subject, verb, direct object...

Try prepositional phrases and dependent clauses.

Instead of "He opened the bag"
try "Pulling the cord with his teeth, he opened the bag." or "By his very will alone, he force the bag open." or "Like a blossoming flower, the bag opened for him, revealing its secret contents."

Just advice...I'd appreciate the same.
 
JT Hartke Friday, 30 January 2009
You definitely have a rich vision of your world. I could taste the pie as she bit into it.

I would try to find ways to reduce wordiness, something I have a problem with myself.
 
Colleen Mitchell Thursday, 16 October 2008
Good story. I do agree with the other comments made about over-description and if this was my story I would start it with the dragon flying and then move to the scene description a little later.
But it's your story and you've done a really good job otherwise. The only thing that bothers me is the use of a full-stop at the end of dialogue followed by 'He said' or 'She said' as a new sentence. A comma after dialogue would suffice.
But it's still a good story.
 
C.J. Sinclair Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Ipretty much agree with the other statements. you do paint a nice picture but you over describe in some areas. I enjoyed the first chapter, esp. the pie stealing. I invite you to check out my story Ravenmyth if you have the time.
 
Skye Jules Friday, 13 June 2008
I think you should start with the dragon flying in the sky. But, you go into too much detail with the dragon. Nowadays, dedicating paragraphs for character description is frowned upon. It used to be okay, but now many authors pepper description throughout. I would say your writing piece right here has Paoliniism. It's a term coined by mean that pretty much states that you're hooked on description too much. That was Christopher Paolini's problem with Eragon and Eldest. He loved to prattle on and on and on about everything in between. Pretty descripions, but I had to force myself to read through them to get to the juicy parts.
 
Skye Jules Friday, 13 June 2008
Descriptions are pretty, but they're cliche as well. Diamond-capped mountains has been done, emerald hills has beend one, goldenness. It's been done. And you never should start your novel out this way. You need to start out with action, then explanation. You're more or less opening up with a weather report. It was a dark and stormy night. The story's not going to be any different if the hills were ugly and the sky was purple. It really isn't.
Diamond Jane Thursday, 12 June 2008
I've only read half of the first chapter, but so far it's excellent. This is the kind of story I like to read.
 
Penpaladin Saturday, 6 August 2011
This is really well written and the description is excellent and their are barely any spelling mistakes.
Overall a great book that hooks you on the first page
 
Alexander Penrose Thursday, 26 February 2015
Having read the first three chapters, I will say that your prose is quite evocative, particularly with your descriptions in the first chapter. However, your writing does bring to mind the words, "You read one you've read them all." I refer to fantasy genre novels. Your prose reminds too much of G.R.R Martin - like him, you focus a lot on the visual descriptions and hardly ever on the other senses. Also, I recommend you look through chapter 2 for a few grammatical errors. My advice is to read outside fantasy a bit. I might seems harsh, but it seems you might have a voice and I want to hear it. But all I hear is Martin's.
 
Ibrahim Musri Monday, 4 June 2012
I love this story so far. It's kind of slow reading at first, but the mystery more than makes up for the somewhat lengthy introduction. Keep up the good work, and I hope someday this gets published.
 
Chris Lee Tuesday, 17 June 2008
I like what I read and I like your writing style (except for the 1st para). Will try to read more when time permits. Great.
 
Megan McIntyre Saturday, 20 November 2010
Oh. My God. Asikei is dead.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

 
Velvet-Leggings-XD Saturday, 19 June 2010
NOOOOO! Asikei is DEAD? Why did he have to die? :O
I love the novel so far, though...Too bad about Asikei :(
You have a very great, defined voice. It's interesting, and also very unique. Mine is just funnily sarcastic and very matter-of-factual.
The one thing you need to work on is your dialogue, though. You do not write it as this: "Yes." He said.
The correct way to write this is in this particular form: "Yes," he said.
You may want to fix that. Other than that, beautiful story, and brilliant title!
 
Velvet-Leggings-XD Saturday, 19 June 2010
Ha :D
I adore the ending ^?^
So. The wise old socerer man had a sister...hmm. Sounds interesting. And a strange spell casted on Talana! Well, this makes me want to read more. Good work XD! Most novels don't want to make me read more at all, actually. It's difficult to please me with writing, even if I read so much. You're a very talented writer.
I also noticed that you seem to not seperate the two words thank you...You write it as thankyou. This, unfortunately, is not correct at all...
But no matter; it's very fixable. Good work, and I can't wait to read the rest!
 
Megan McIntyre Saturday, 20 November 2010
Wahoa, this is so cool.

I THINK HE LIKES HER AND SHE LIKES HIM. DARRUKIN PLUS TALANA IS EQUAL TO... uh.
 
Daphne G Saturday, 6 November 2010
Wonderful
nice writing
 
Daphne G Saturday, 6 November 2010
Wonderful
nice writing
 
Daphne G Saturday, 6 November 2010
Wonderful
nice writing
 
Daphne G Saturday, 6 November 2010
Wonderful
nice writing
 
Velvet-Leggings-XD Saturday, 19 June 2010
Still loving it. Still amazing. Still a fantastic voice. Still a fascinating plot. XD!
Hey, want to read my novel? I haven't gotten around to posting many of the chapters, since I'm in the middle of writing chapter fifteen, but I've got some of it up. I would really appreciate it.
I must admit. The one thing about your novel that drew me in was the title. If there is no thief or assassin of some kind in a story, I'll probably not read it. I took one look at your novel and said: "This is the book for me."
By the way, my title also has the word thief in it: Escape of the Thief. Just look that up, all right?
Thanks(:
Cori out XD I'll keep reading.
 
Daphne G Saturday, 6 November 2010
A mix of Graceling and Tammora Peirce.
A nice combination.
Well done
 
Megan McIntyre Saturday, 20 November 2010
OMG.

What is going to happen?

NMAD!
 
Megan McIntyre Saturday, 20 November 2010
Oh my God, this has been here... for Like, a year already! GOODNESS.
 
Nova Friday, 4 December 2009
So, you're really going to add more!? That news just made my day! I read this 7 monthes ago, and unlike most of the things I have read on this site, it hasn't blurred with everything else, I remember everything that has happened in it. I'm so glad I checked! I can't wait until you post the rest.... actually after I read this, I wanted to read the rest so badly that i checked online for it to buy, which wasn't smart, since it was posted on here.. Well, I hope you post soon, this is definitely my favourite on this site, so great job, and please add it soon!
Jocelyn Drewe Tuesday, 10 November 2009
I've written the whole manuscript but I will need to brush up on how to post bits to this site, sorry!
 
Nova Sunday, 3 May 2009
Write more!!!! Please. I'm dying of curiousity! Oh, and, why aren't you published???
 
Daphne G Sunday, 7 November 2010
Well done
 
Flower. Thursday, 18 March 2010
So, uh, I just decided to let you know, this is completely AMAZING, and I can't wait to finish reading. Great work!
 
happyendings Saturday, 14 August 2010
Trolls created rifles? AWESOME.
 
Clancy Maranice Tuesday, 13 August 2013
This is amazing! It's very rare to find a story with an entriguing plot and yet be well written and easy to understand. This is one of my favorites on this website!
 
Ka hona Sunday, 26 May 2013
I loved this book. I was slightly expecting/hoping Talana to become queen though.

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