Skin deep

Jalu Friday, 30 December 2011
I read through your first chapter, and I think you have a solid start as far as writing goes. You ended it on a nice hanger, making people more likely to read on. However, there were a few mistakes I noticed.
One of the first things I noticed was that you have quite a few mistakes pertaining to punctuation; a missing comma here and there, some full stops where other types of punctuation should be, etc. but I feel this is probably a case of missed editing than anything else. One huge punctuation mistake I noticed was your tendency to place punctuation out of the quotation makes – that’s not right. Another thing I noticed at this time was the fact that your POV character could tell that somebodies voice was ‘thick with fake sympathy’. POV characters can’t just ‘know’ things like that, they can only assume.
You also list things a bit too much, nobody really cares about Every. Single. Step. Your character does in the course of her day, only include things that are vital to storyline or characterisation. This carries over to character description, especially physical, try to weave it throughout rather than throwing down an info-dump.
Why would a social worker leave so quickly? She would probably stay for a while and help Amy settle in a bit rather than just leave her with a lady she has obviously never met before. I’d do a bit of research into foster care before writing about it; so many stories do such poor research.
Work on a bit of showing rather than telling, when Claire leaves just state that Amy’s ‘heart is beating faster’ rather than adding a reason as to why this is so. Readers will deduct their own assumptions; a good writer only needs to show.
I wish you good luck with your writing, I feel like you have an awesome premise and that you have a good grasp on the skill of writing :).
Jalu Friday, 30 December 2011
On to the second chapter!...

I would have started this with a bit more lead up, going back to the last chapter maybe and having her be in the process of opening the door rather than just putting her straight into the room. Also, leave out the bit about the marks being from the former foster children, pointless information. Leave out complete description of the room, I don't give a rat's if the bed looks comfy or anything like that, but, at the same time, this is literary so I feel if it's symbolism you can leave it in.

Don't tell me she always wanted something/someone to cuddle up to, show me through her hugging the teddy close, and doing so again later in the day - the reader will pick up on the fact that she has needed somebody close to her throughout childhood.

Your character doesn't seem like the type of get 'curious', at least not to the point where she goes poking her nose into other people's rooms. She is shy and quiet from what I have seen, so this turn of events doesn't make all that much sense to me.

Another good cliff-hanger ending, and I stand by what I said in my last review - this has great potential :). I still feel this chapter isn't quite as good as the last, though.

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