Comments
The Sapphire Stone

Angie0808 Saturday, 30 April 2011
to nancydrew4ever
i'm glad you enjoyed it. I can continue commenting on yours for sure. as for the strange comments, i have it figured out, so you don't need to worry. it's quite alright
nancydrew4ever Saturday, 30 April 2011
This is a good story. Chapter 4 is funny. I really like it. Thx for commenting on my story- I need lots of views and comments, so thanks. Plz continue commenting on mine. I'll keep on doing yours. I don't know if you read mine before... sorry.
Angie0808 Saturday, 30 April 2011
thx for commenting asher tensei. i'll read yours
 
percyjackson888 Saturday, 30 April 2011
what are the inhuman stories?
 
percyjackson888 Saturday, 30 April 2011
i like your books. i like the part where she site on the spider and cryes. that was good. this is better than dark rosebud
 
Asher Tensei Saturday, 30 April 2011
Great concept, but it can be a bit more refined. The beginning, for example. What person accepts waking up that easily? Try to drag it out a bit, maybe describe how she looked the previous night or how bad she looks before showering. You have some tense disagreements: past and present progressive in the same sentence. Let me show you; the sentence "Pale blonde hair, green eyes, creamy skin, and ten million freckles" there is no clear object that is being described, we can't just rely on the previous sentence. A rewrite like this would clarify that and give it a very good tone: "Pale blonde hair, green eyes, creamy skin, and a face full of freckles, this is what I have grown used to, this is what the mirror constantly showed me."

Anywho, the work is great and I see potential. Read mine, I have a great wake up scene as I was explaining earlier. If you need any help, you know my link now. Anything at all.
Angie0808 Thursday, 28 April 2011
to: capitalletters and a dynamic elk
thx for the advice! I haven't finished readin your stories yet, but great start! I luved them so far:)
A Dynamic Elk Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Whoa. Way to much text in one block. You can make use of indents to make it more readable.

Would you mind checking mine out?
 
Capitalletters Thursday, 28 April 2011
Loads of skill here! You have loads of potential as a writer and you're very professional. Keep it up.

BUT USE PARAGRAPHS!

Mind reading mine? :)
Angie0808 Friday, 29 April 2011
thank you for you're tips ragnarwrites. i'll check out your book:)
Ragnarwrites Friday, 29 April 2011
I like your writing skills, very clear and direct. Chapter 4 was particularly funny. The sarcasm in your tone was perfect when needed. The self-deprecating humor was also quite entertaining. Keep up the good work. I would suggest you polish certain details in the third chapter to make it believable.

Some pointers that may be helpful though:

1. In direct address, names are surrounded by commans (ex. "Thank you, Leo"; "I know, sir, that . . ."

2. Use commas in voice tags such as said, asked, screamed, yelled, questioned etc. (ex. "Thank you," she said/asked/screamed; "Where?" she screamed). Use periods, rather than commas, for action tags such as grinned, smiled, run, frowned, etc.

3. It is also best if you place the dialogues (and their corresponding tags) spoken by different characters each on a separate line for better readability.

All in all, you did a good job. I agree, lots of potential, and very clear and seamless writing skill.

If you have time, please check out mine.
Angie0808 Saturday, 30 April 2011
to percyjackson888
thx! i appreciate your comments:) I hope you continue readin my stories. um well the inhuman stories is the other book you read, the one by nancydrew4ever
Angie0808 Saturday, 30 April 2011
i rlly enjoy inhuman stories
Angie0808 Monday, 2 May 2011
to Asher Tensei
thank you for your tips and for commenting on my story:)
 
Asher Tensei Monday, 2 May 2011
After long paragraphs, put the dialogue on a separate line. I'm actually grabbed by this story. Not an easy thing to do I assure you. Keep up the good work.
nancydrew4ever Sunday, 15 May 2011
Good job. Your story is funny.
 
gleeluver9 Thursday, 12 May 2011
nice

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