Tears For Angels And Other Such Nonsense

_____ Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Nice beginning. I like that you went straight into telling the reader to imagine something and asking questions. It's really motivating and let's us connect with your story right away.
In the first paragraph, it seems to me that there should be a break somewhere around the last "What do you imagine?", and then possibly going into a new paragraph with, "I imagine my heart being stuck inside someone's mouth..." And again with, "This story is of one of the many times I've been challenged to fight for love..." Not that I'm any expert, I could be wrong. It just seems like it might be nicer that way.
"...had a gaze that seemed to slowly roast my heart in boiling water" -I like that line.
"I had hoped desperately to let me feel her touch again." -Something just doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps, "I'd hoped desperately that I might be able to feel her touch once again." or simply, "I'd hoped desperately to feel her touch again." ?
"When I got home," That should probably start a new paragraph as well.
"But I didn't think she would" -Mm... Not really supposed to begin a sentence with "But" Maybe you should just put a comma in front of it and use it to end the sentence in front of it.
I'm not sure if you really care to have criticism on this piece necessarily, but it is the only one without a rating, so naturally, it caught my eye. I think you have a good talent for writing. That much is easily apparent in this piece. However, I might suggest going through and making sure that all of your sentenced flow easily. Reading aloud helps sometimes. Occasionally it can be as simple as adding or removing a single word, other times you might want to replace certain words with one that might sound nicer. Also, watch for the same word appearing multiple times in the same sentence, or even in nearby sentences. This can sound repetitive.
Other than those few little tidbits, I didn't see anything majorly wrong with this story. Quite the contrary, actually. It was enjoyable to read.
Well, I hope that maybe this helps a little. Sorry I don't have more time to add to this, but I think I've pointed out everything I noticed.
I wish you luck with all of your writing. It's clearly something that you spend a lot of time with and you have a lot of potential, just keep writing.

tigerman Wednesday, 17 November 2010
A story belongs to you.
Na<3mi B. Monday, 20 December 2010

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