American Stereotypes
Author: B. Miller

Chapter 6
Balding American country singers who never take their cowboy hat off

Balding American Country Singers; whom never takes off their cowboy hats

The country music community is truly a balding manís paradise. Youíll never see a country music star jumping off the amps doing the splits in midair like Diamond David Lee Roth or see a lead singer head banging to a legendary guitar solo. Simply put, many of the country music stars that Iím about to speak upon canít because their cowboy hat would fall off and everyone would see their balding head. A rock stars hair is nearly as important as the amount of drugs they do and women they sleep with. Imagine a balding Mick Jagger or Steven Tyler, these guys are ugly as it is, however if given to early male pattern baldness they never wouldíve become rock stars for the simple fear of being on stage in front of large crowds. On a side note, Aerosmithís entire band looks like a bunch of old women.

Country music singers wear cowboy hats for several reasons; because their balding and because itís nostalgic. Country singers strive to appear authentically country similar to how rappers like to appear authentically ghetto by driving Cadillacís and owning pit bulls. The cowboy hat makes country singers appear more authentically country and tied to the lore of days gone by when men rode horses on the range, drove cattle to market, shot people for calling them Ďyellaí and spent all their money on booze, cards and hookers at brothels. Although theyíre rich and famous, theyíre still country at heart despite their $1k dollar cowboy hats, boots, designer ball hugging male wranglers and million dollar stallions, all of which say differently in my opinion. Then there is the country music anomaly Kieth Urban. Heís a drunken Australian country music singer with hair like a woman that has fooled the country music community into believing that heís country. How?

Now let me prove my point and bring to light the country music culprits that wear cowboy hats at all public appearances to cover up what was once a thriving village of hair that has been wiped out by a horrible genetic disease called male pattern baldness. Even country music singers with fame and riches or a Jerry Lewis telethon canít stop this plague bestowed upon men and their fading dignity. Country singers like Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, Dwight Yokum, Kenny Chesney and Alan Jackson have about as much hair as Stevie Wonder thinks he does, yet most people wouldnít know that. Like Stevie Wonder, they should have shaved their heads back in the eighties, however at least Stevie has an excuse, being blind and all. The odds of seeing these guys without a cowboy hat on are about the same as seeing Opera in a bikini. Itís a shame that with all the fame and fortune and women throwing themselves at these guys and millions of dollars doesnít give these balding country singers the courage and confidence to take their fancy cowboy hats off and make being bald cool, thanks dick heads.

Country music singers arenít alone is this practice of making some form of head coverings cultural. I have observed many cultures throughout the world that have fashioned some sort of head covering into their culture as part of a manís daily attire. For example, look at Indian Sheiks who get to wear turbans on their heads twenty-four-seven. Buddhist monks just shave all their hair off and avoid women all together living in the mountains meditating all day. Jewish men wear those skull caps all the time to cover up their balding heads. I have come to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with religion, however brilliantly these cultures have tied head coverings or lack of hair into religion so that they can cover up their balding heads at all times.

We all understand, as men, that losing your hair is a very difficult pill to swallow and most men will do anything to hide this curse of Mother Nature. Now, your everyday average guy has to suffer from this genetic curse without the help of a cowboy hat, millions of dollars and adoring fans. Average guys have to resort to hair plugs, toupees, public humiliation, judgment from women, special potions and shampoos and their aunts and uncles at family picnics pointing out the fact that their hair is falling out in front of everyone, as if they didnít look in the mirror every day. However, that gives a person the opportunity to tell their fat bitchy aunt that she has gotten fatter and uglier every year since youíve known her. Oh, and by the way you never lost that baby weight and that uncle is only still married to you because you will take him for everything if he divorces you.

Male pattern baldness is an ironic mutation amongst human men. Humans have to keep their heads warm in the winter to protect them from freezing to death, yet are hair falls out. Yet as male humans age, we get more hair in regions of our body where hair doesnít necessarily need to be. Think about it. Do you really need hair on your back or in your ears and what about having hair in your but crack? Thatís about as useless as tits on a bull. And nothing is grosser then bending your girl over and seeing a bunch of dark curlies growing from her butt-hole. However, if you want to really blow her mind, just rip a couple of them out and sheíll wake right up.

In terms of country singers, I don't get it. Because no matter how bald you are, if you can sing and play an instrument like all the country singers I'm talking about do, not only are you rich and famous, but women throw themselves at you. And in defense of balding men across the country that canít always wear cowboy hats, make millions of dollars and have millions of adoring fans, famous country singers are blowing the opportunity to make male pattern baldness cool and fashionable by constantly hiding under a cowboy hat. Naturally women will think that being bald is cool and in turn will ease the humiliation and self-loathing that us men have to suffer as a result of our hair going the way of the buffalo. But like the buffalo, which are making a return, science will one day put an end to male pattern baldness for good. In turn, hopefully the wearing of cowboy hats by country singers will become a rarely used novelty. But until then, men will have to rely on their character, charm and money to make women ignore the fact that their hair is gone. Lucky for us providing trumps male pattern baldness.

An observer of Alan Jackson, Dwight Yoakum, Kenny Chesney or Tim Mcgraw would never know this because they will never see him without his cowboy hat on. Many of the people reading this may not even know that these country singers are even bald. In one of Alan Jacksonís music videos he even wears is cowboy hat while he water skis and sings his song. Whatís with this guy he looks like Magnum P.I. with AIDS and a curly blond mullet in a cowboy hat? This just proves my point that under no circumstance will you see Alan Jackson without his cowboy hat on. On the contrary, Iíve seen Dwight Yoakum with his cowboy hat off, as he has tried to act in movies and I think itís in his best interest to just keep his hat on. Dwight looks like a serial killer without his cowboy hat on. Dwight and Alan have screwed themselves by wearing their cowboy hats all the time because they wear their hair long in the back to fool people that their hair is bountiful on top but when they take their cowboy hats off its like theyíre a different person with a bad haircut. Tim McGraw is married to one of the most beautiful women in the world Faith Hill and heís rich, but he wonít take his cowboy hat off either. Although, Tim did show up to the Grammyís one year with a toupee on and made light of it in his acceptance speech. I donít know who put him up to this but Iím sure to this day he regrets it. Through Tim McGrawís attempts to hide his bald head we can see that no matter how successful a man becomes or what woman loves him, the acceptance of being bald is never an option. And what about poor little Kenny Chesney, he has the same problem as the others I have mentioned. Rumor has it that the reason Renee Zellwiger broke up with him was because he would never take his cowboy hat off, even in bed. Rumor also has it that he had his cowboy hat surgically attached to his head.

I donít understand these guys. They could be fat, bald and impotent but because they sing, their rich and famous they can have any woman in the world. Another noteworthy person on the rock music end of things is Brett Michaels. Brett so obviously has hair extension or a toupee that he hides not only under a bandanna but a cowboy hat. I guess his approach is that if you take one layer off you still got to get through two more layers to get to his bald head and by that time he will be long gone. Like all the other guys itís his trade mark look that heíll rock, I think until they die.

 

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