Don't Tell Anyone We Kissed (Book 1) - COMPLETED
Author: Hatewish

Chapter 38
I love you, I loved you all along.




I told Irvine everything, everything that I managed to remember. But I shouldn’t be scared, right? Because... “I trust you,” I looked down on my shaking hands and watched the droplets of my tears trickle down on my fingers. “So please, let’s not do reckless things that would heighten the situation...”

            He tucked the stray hair that barred my face from view and said, “Could you please stop crying?” He tipped my chin with a finger. “At least not show me how much he makes you miserable, or I... I’ll have no choice but to...” He hesitated for a while. “I’ll... I’ll protect you... That’s the only thing that you want me to do, right?”

            “Uhm-huh...” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I couldn’t reciprocate all the... Things that you’ve done for me. I could only do much for you... I’m the worst...”

            He tilted his head back to the edge of his bed, and placed his arm on top of his folded knee.  “It’s fine.” I took the time to watch him as he stared at the ceiling, and I felt that on some gnarled place inside of me, if it wasn’t Ethan whom I fell in love with—I would probably see Irvine in a different way, I would have fallen head over heels for my best friend, for I knew that in every inch of this man, he was everything that I could have ever wanted. But all I could do now was to face everything that’s in store for me, and make the best choice I would regret less. “But, what are you planning to do with Jaycee and Ethan?” He asked, his eyes still focused on a spot in the ceiling.

            “As long as Ethan doesn’t get in trouble until graduation, I’d have to play along with Jaycee.” I did my best to sound so brave and convincing, but my tears wouldn’t stop falling. “All he asks of me is to get things over with Ethan, and...” I covered my face with my hands, unable to hold the sobs escaping from my lips. “And... For me to be his girl...”

            “You’re not going to be his girl, Xine.” Irvine sounded like he was going to make sure of his claims. “He’s got you all tied up because he’s got somethin’ to spill about your relationship with Ethan. You only fear what your parents would say, not your classmates. If you start publicizing another relationship, you’d make him sound stupid, right?”

            “But the proofs, the photos... He said something about photos!” I cried out.

            Irvine stared at me for a minute. “Did you really do something that would prove your relationship with Ethan?” He searched my eyes for traces of lies, but he wouldn’t find any—he should have known that he’s someone I wouldn’t lie to. “In public, or during your date. Anything that you did outside the house.”

            After a moment of digging into my memories, I came up with an answer. “No.” I said. “I don’t even remember holding his hand where everyone could see.”

            “Then why are you so worried? If you know for yourself that you both have been discreet, I don’t find the reason to be so worked up about his blackmail.” He said bluntly. “But... I’m not telling you to lower your guard down since we know nothing about his capabilities. He’s fucking insane, y’know? It would be normal for him to put a surveillance cam on the girl’s bathroom. Geez, what a freak.”

            “I guess you’re right.” I gave a little sigh of relief. “Let’s just see what happens in a few days...”

            “Xine, could you at least text your mom or dad?” He mumbled with his eyes closed. “Ethan’s been calling like crazy, go check your phone.”

            I shook my head. “Let Ethan be, I’ll text mom that I’m here with you.” I reached for my phone in his bed, and immediately typed in a simple message: be home late, mom. doin a report with Irvine.

            We fell silent for a long time, and I couldn’t help but be thankful for Irvine’s presence. Just when I thought that I was losing my best friend, he was there—exactly at the same time I needed him. And for once, I felt like I was a bit of a good friend to him in return.

“I’m... Everything you want, I’m everything you need,” He sang softly, and I felt like crying again. “I’m everything inside of you that you wish you could be. I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don’t know why.”

            I never thought that the song he wanted me so much to listen to meant this way for him. How could I be so insensitive? I felt so stupid, thinking that I know Irvine that much to see the words within his silence. I was wrong, so wrong.  “Irvine...” I threw my arms around him, burying my face on his shoulder. “Ir...vine...” I sobbed. “I’m really sorry...”

            He chuckled softly. “You don’t keep in mind the words that I tell you, don’t you?” He rubbed my back gently. “For me, it only hurts... When you cry, and I’m only sad... When there’s tears in your eyes. So... Stop.”

            “Vine...” I whispered. “Could you... Sing for me again...? I... I love... Your voice...” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. I let him cradle me like a child, it was funny on how the two of us were like children seeking the comfort of the other. But above all that, it felt nice to be in the arms of someone whose not forbidden to fall for.

            “This time, this place, misused, mistakes. Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait? Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there’s just one left, because you know, you know, you know...” He sang softly as he held me in his arms. “I love you, I’ve loved you all along. I miss you, been faraway for far too long. I keep dreaming you’ll be with me, and you’ll never go. Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore.”

I felt like melting into his arms while he was singing. He was amazing, effortlessly amazing. His voice was deep and full of emotions, something that only I could hear and witness—the cold Irvine that’s warm in front of me, only me.

“On my knees, I’ll ask, last chance for one last dance, because with you I’d withstand all of hell to hold your hand. I’d give it all, I’d give for us, give anything, but I won’t give up, because you know... That I love you, I loved you... All along...” He sang.

And yet, in my heart and in my mind, I was screaming the words: I love, I love only the man who's forbidden to love, and only in that man's arms I would surrender it all. 


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