Tears For Angels And Other Such Nonsense
Author: Neil Evans

Chapter 1
Tears For Angels

Imagine your heart. The beating, pumping organ that keeps you breathing and alive. You know, the thing that's inside your breast. What do you picture when you think of it? Do you imagine the actual organ, making the faithful lub-dub that keeps you walking around today? Maybe you imagine a little heart, shaped like the Vallentines Day candy. Or, maybe, you're like me, and you imagine your heart as a cigarette. But, how do you imagine your heart when it breaks? No, not physically, but emotionally. When that striking pain stabs deep into your chest and you wish you were just someone else. What do you imagine? I image my heart being stuck inside someone's mouth, and then, ever so slowly, they suck away my heart until it crumbles to ash. And then, with one quick swipe, the ashes are kicked off, leaving me empty. That is what I imagine. This story is of one of the very many times I've been challenged to fight for love...
It was warm. I can remember that much. At the time, it felt over a hundred degrees. There seemed to be no wind, that day. She stood there, a certain stillness in her beautiful eyes. Inside them, I could see the moisture gathering as she was fighting her tears. Looking back, I don't think I've ever hurt anyone as much as I'd hurt her. God, how I wished I hadn't.
I didn't want to say anything to her. Not because I was mad. Quite the opposite. I was just too scared to hear her response to whatever I would say. I was scared of what she might think. I was so scared of a lot of things.
Fighting as hard as I could, I struggled to meet her eyes. She, who had given me everything, starved herself, and had cut into her skinny hips with a razor so many different times, had a gaze that seemed to slowly roast my heart in boiling water. And the repeating thought in my mind chimed clearly: This, all of it, is my fault.
Eventually, after struggling for what seemed like hours to meet her eyes, I failed, and dropped my gaze. I couldn't bare to see her look. The agony that rested in those beautiful, starry eyes. No. I would have no chance of meeting that stare. She spoke first; slowly, with pity, as if she had hurt me.
"I still love you," her voice told me in the cute accent it always held. It souned like a mix of French, English and just the slightest hint of Spanish; all of which she could speak fluently, rhythmically, beautifully.
I tried my best to, again, meet her gaze. Instead, however, my eyes met her tiny lips. The words she said should have made me joyous. They should have seemed like a silver lining. Alas, no happiness came with those words. Only dread. Her voice was slurred with the pain I had given her. Tainted by what I had done so many months prior to this event.
A tear prodded carefully down my cheek as, finally, I met her damp, sparkling, green eyes. "I love you, too." I don't know what response I had expected. I know what I had hoped for. I had hoped desperately to let me feel her touch again. To feel her head against my shoulder. To be able to wrap my arms, once again, around her. But, most of all, I knew I just wanted to be able to taste her kiss one more time. That's what I wanted most.
"No," she said. That was all. Nothing more. Or, as Poe put it in his sad tale, Nevermore.
"What do you mean?" I protested, momentarily forgetting my tears. "Every second I'm not beside you, I'm scared you're . . . You're . . . I get scared something may have happened to you. I have to will myself, every day, to hope to see you again. Every second I regret everything I did!"
"Stop. . ." She pleaded to me, but her voice trailed off.
"No," I said quickly, swiftly, as tears started to fall. "You just don't get it. All the songs I listen to are about losing love, wanting to die, feeling ashamed, and crying out over someone whom you lost due to a . . .Due to a stupid fuck up I made! I was blind! I see that now! I wouldn't have done it if I saw what I was doing! I wouldn't of ever done it if it weren't for all the guilt-trips that I endured!"
"Just stop it!" She screamed at me, catching me off-guard. "You might still 'love' me, but not in the way you used to. You'll never love me like that again."
Before I could say anything, before I could defend my actions with words, she turned away. She walked away without looking back. When I got home, I didn't care to talk to anyone. I crawled up the steps to my room, slammed the door shut without much care, climbed into my closet and wept. I don't cry much. Anybody that really knows me knows that I don't cry over little things. I don't cry much over big things, either. But I cried that day. More tears than I'll ever remember.
Woe was me. It was all my fault. I wished I could have changed it all. But no. I could never fix what I had done. I got no second chances. That day, my heart broke. For the first real time, my heart was smoked out. Ground into the dirt and crushed by the heel of an angel.
I didn't think she would take me back that day. I never thought that. I had hoped hard she would. But I didn't think she would. Nor do I think she will, today. Every day I still hope she'll talk to me in some way. Leave me an email, a text message, or just call. My hopes go wasted, but it's my choice alone to waste them. I pray for the day that she returns.
Is there is a morale, a life lesson, to my pain? Yes, it's simply to never let go of the girl you love. You'll regret it every single day you live. This event happened so long agao, yet, still, I can't get over the loss.
This is the most important part in my life, in my opinion. It's so important because this was the first time I realized how much I could lose when someone leaves me. I realized how much people mean to me.
I've learned to value friends, family and even strangers much, much more than before. Someone can be in your life one day, and they can be gone the next. Believe me, you don't want to learn that lesson the hard way. I did. And I still regret it, as I said.
My advice to anyone in my situation: think hard. Think hard about everything you do, everything you say. Never put anyone or anything before the person you truly love. The cost of doing that is very steep. And, as a good friend once said, "You can always move on. But your heart will always stay behind, with her."
I never believed him. Now, I understand the true value of those words. All because I failed to win a fight for my love. I pray nobody makes the same mistake as me.

 

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