Giving up the art
Author: Ella

Chapter 19
my diary

i placed my hands on the table and stretched out. what weariness had come over me. my diary laid closed in front of me. i had an undecided dread of opening it. it was like another realm. another fairytale of mine. it was something i could not contain. entries i would never want to reread. pasts i would wish to forget. moments in the back of my mind which i do not want to recall. and more importantly, those which i have clean forgotten, all neatly documented on those wordy pages in stunning detail. i finger the pages and find the page which feels clean. with a breath, i flipped straight to that blank page, skipping every other day i had recorded. this was the only way of overlooking it all. yet, sometimes i have this nagging temptation to read all those entries, to relive some of those beautiful ones, and to reminisce the sorrow of the days i was down. the sad ones outnumbered the happy ones. i was always such a pessimist. i believed i could not do much, could not achieve much. there were these people beside me who had everything i wanted. every little gift i dreamed of having too. i did not know what i was asking for. all those came with hard work, great sacrifice and pain i could never bear. yet i wanted it all. most of what i have written are about these gifted people, people like cyrilla and isabel. they had everything i did not have. i suppose this intense feeling was one of jealousy. yet it was not so much jealousy that i would dare steal such things from them, but more of envy. i would never risk taking it away from them. i would not cause them their downfall just because i could not have it. however, there was one thing they did give me. they gave me an experience of what they feel, just a little glance into their wondrous world, but such a glimpse of so much more than myself, had satisfied a part of me that wanted all of it.


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