i'm too scared to be with you
Author: twelvetwix

Chapter 26
justin comes back

    i drove into ke'ehi lagoon beach park's parking lot probably half a mile from the airport. i got out and just laid down in the back of my truck as i watched the sky. i just said good bye to justin. it was 5:22PM and his plane was gonna take off in eight minutes. i kept replaying what happened at the airport and i couldn't help but cry.

me: [aside] i just told him i loved him and he didn't say anything. i can't believe this happened to me. i don't know why i fell for him again. i can't believe EVERYONE talked me into doing this. i can't believe that i actually believed that me and justin were meant for each other. good thing i don't have to see his stupid face everyday. hawh, what am i talking about? i have to see it everywhere. he's famous. gosh, i can't believe i just told him i loved him. i'm happy he's gone. after all he put me through, i was stupid enough to fall for him again.

    i saw an airplane cross through the sky. i can tell justin was on that plane. i watched it and more tears fell.

me: [aside] good bye justin. hawh, i hope he stops giving me shout outs,  i hope he doesn't call me anymore. gosh, i hate him. i fxckin` hate him right now.

    from behind me, i can hear the tail gate open. my heart jumped as i turned around and saw justin with his eyes as red as mine.

justin: why didn't you tell me earlier that you loved me?

me: justin, why are you here?

    he sat next to me and tried to put his arms around me. i pulled away which i can tell hurted him.

justin: i'm sorry.

me: why?

justin: i heard everything you just said.

me: you followed me here?

justin: kinda. i had a feeling you would be here.

me: why didn't you go back?

justin: back to where?

me: back home.

justin: that place, reno? that place to continue with my singing carreer? that place where everywhere i go, girls are chasing me? that place where i have friends because they're there because i'm famous? that's not home to me, mai. hawaii is my home. everything i love is here. i have friends that actually are my friends and they were the ones who helped me where i am today. i lived here all my life and just because some producers heard my music doesn't mean they have the right to just picked me up from here and bring me so far away. i belong here, mai. this is where i grew up, this is where i went to school, this is where my friends are, and this is where i can be with you.

me: what are you trying to say?

justin: don't you get it? mai, I LOVE YOU. i don't wanna go back and leave you again.

me: can i ask you something?.....[sigh] why do you love me?

justin: i love how you would always tickle me when i'm sad. i love our late night conversations. i love how you're at work and you call me during breaks. i know you really care about me. you make me laugh every single time we're together. you look so cute when you ask for something. i love your laugh. i love how i can pick on you all i want but you'll never get mad. you know every single thing about me. i love you because all that you've done for me.

me: [scoff] after all you put me through...why now?

justin: i loved you even before this summer. every since i moved to reno, all i could think about was you. i just didn't want to tell you after all that happened to us.

me: wtf? [groans] i don't even know why you fxckin` came back. go back to reno.

justin: look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me in your life anymore...then i'll leave.

me: justin, i can't.

justin: why? you just fxckin` said seven minutes ago that you hated me so it sounded like you don't want me in your life.

me: that's because i WANT you in my life but at the same time, i don't wanna keep going through this.

    by this time, me and justin are bawlling our eyes out. our faces were soaking wet and our eyes were so red that it looked like a volcano erupting clear salty lava. the sky started getting dark. first i felt a rain drop on my forehead and not long after that, it starts raining. i try to get up but i gave up. i don't care if me and justin talk out in the pouring rain.

justin: we don't have to keep doing this. you can come with me to reno and we can be together. mai, you seriously don't know how hurt i am right now. please be with me?

me: i don't know justin. we're not just best friends, we fxckin` grew up together. i've seen you go through so much. look at you, you always have a new girlfriend like practically every week. you've been here for six weeks and you had five girlfriends. justin, i'm waaaay too scared to be with you. i know you'll tell me that you love me more than anything in this world, you love me more than you ever loved before but you say that to <i>every single girl</i>, justin. i trust you but not with my heart. i'm scared. you seriously don't know how scared i am. as much i love you, i don't wanna be with you.

justin: i guess you really do know everything about me but you don't know what i'm thinking or feeling.

me: justin, listen to me! when you were with kathleen, you were so fxckin` happy but look, she cheated on you! as much as you loved her, it didn't take you that long to find someone else. even with rachel. you guys were so happy. people actually thought you were gonna keep her but out of no where, you guys break up and three days later, you have another girlfriend. even chelsea. you guys had a second chance but what happened? you guys never even made a month! justin, i don't wanna be another girl. i don't wanna be another girl that will just last a week.

justin: i don't want you to only last a week, i don't want you to only last a month, i don't even want you to only last you a year. i don't care how long we last, as long as we both tried to make it work.

me: i can't trust you right now. i'm way too fxckin` scared. i'd rather go bungee jumping than have you as my boyfriend.

justin: you know, i'm scared too.

me: why are you so scared? i try to put my heart and soul into every relationship. that's why it's so hard for me to find someone good enough. why are you scared of being with me? you've seen me through relationships already. you know how dedicated and commited i am.

justin: you're right about those three girls but look, i don't want you to be like them. those are the three girls i THOUGHT loved but i'm telling you, don't be like them. just be yourself. you know why i didn't want to be with them? i didn't have the same chemistry with them like i have with you. i didn't get the butterflies in my stomach when i was with them. i didn't twitch in my bed as we had those late night conversations.

    i looked at him and i tried to look away but he stopped me. he held my face and looked straight into my eyes but i tried looking away.

justin: look at me please?

    i did and he looked straight into my eyes. i saw more tears forming but i stopped crying. i wiped away his tears and after i was done, he kissed my forehead. he looked straight into my eyes again and he's still crying so i start crying again. that's when i realized that he really wants to be with me. he just couldn't stop crying. i hugged him because that's what we both needed.

justin: so what? what do you want to do?

me: justin, i want you to take the next flight to reno which would be in eight hours. i'm sorry justin.

justin: that's it? after all the tears we dropped in the 19 minutes we were crying in the pouring rain, you're still not gonna take me?

me: i just can't. i'm sorry. i can't handle that. i'm too scared to be with you.

    me and justin get up and i get into my truck. i didn't want to just leave justin so i offered him a ride.

justin: it's okay. i'll just stay and wait at the airport and try to get that flight.

    i drive out of the parking lot and before i get onto the main road, i look back to see justin on his cell phone. i seriously needed someone to talk to. i searched through my phone to look for his number and dialed it.

me: you guys took so long.

jeremy: we're by jack-n-the box. why? where are you?

me: i just left the airport-ish.

jeremy: are you okay?

me: i'll tell you when i get there. i'll be there in 10 minutes.

* * * * * * * * * *

    as i reached the parking lot of jack-n-the-box, jeremy was waiting outside with an oreo shake. i was walking towards him and i was still crying. he noticed and he ran and started hugging me. the others were in the car and they started running towards me but i stopped them.

me: i wanna talk to jeremy only.

    he handed me the shake. he knew i needed that. i gulped down a few bites of ice cream and stopped crying for a while. we sat both at a table in the corner outside.

jeremy: wow, what happened?

    i told him what happened not too long ago. it was so hard to tell him since i had to think about it again.

jeremy: well it's justin. i mean, he's only going through that much girls to find the right one..nawmean?

me: yeah but after what we just went through, it would be a such a big, fat waste if i WASN'T the one for him.

jeremy: well no one really knows right? i mean look at me and kat, we've been together for two years but we haven't talked about marriage or even thought about it. we're still young.

me: okay.

jeremy: don't worry about him too much. he'll come back. i can almost guarantee it. no, i WILL guarantee it. he WILL come back.

me: no offense jeremy but i know justin more than anybody. he always runs away from girls. that's his main weakness-that's why he never talks to his exes about the past. he's not coming back.

jeremy: well we can't make that choice for him right? plus, it's justin. he's full of surprises. you don't know and i don't know. no one really knows what justin will do except him.

me: can i ask you something?

jeremy: uhh, i bet you'll ask me if i knew he liked you.

    i looked at him with the most shocked but confused face ever. i just found it cool that he knew what i was gonna ask.

me: how'd you know?

jeremy: who'd you think "the things you do",  "survive this", and "send me an angel" were dedicated to?

me: i don't know but i always thought it was for rachel.

jeremy: well start thinking `cause those were about you.

    i took a deep breath. i could feel the tears coming but none of them dropped. i think i ran out of tears for that day.

jeremy: you should know what to do. you've known him for 10 years.

me: but nothing like this ever happened to us.

jeremy: there's a first time for everything right?

me: yeah, but i'm scared this will be our LAST time we'll ever talk to each other.


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