i'm too scared to be with you
Author: twelvetwix

Chapter 11
justin's shot with rachel

justin: this good?

me: let me hear it.

justin: it's kinda long though.

me: you want help or not?

justin: dear GOD, there's this girl I love. she was sent from you like an angel above. she was so special to me, it was a dream come true. all I wanted to tell her was those words "i love you." but then, i did the stupidest things to her and that made her really anger. she told me she couldn't deal with this shxt anymore because her heart was getting really sore. i proved to her that i learned from what i did and anything she wanted, i would give. i got her back, hoping this time i would make things right but every other day, we would get into a fight. i didn't like the fact we couldn't get along so we knew something was wrong.  we both decided it was best for us to be just friends. that meant that our relationship had to end. but even though we're not together, even though she's not my lover, she's always on my mind, how could we be so blind? i still love you. what i'm feeling is so true. it's hard to think of our past and act like this friendship will last. i want to be much more, and i'm wishing that i'm the one you adore. i try to move on but always lose interest because of the feelings that i have can't put to rest. somehow i know that forever in my heart they'll stay. even though i pretend that nothing is wrong and hide behind a smile, inside i am crying like a newborn child. when i am alone sometimes i call out your name, but the response i get is always the same. maybe i am just to dumb or too blind to see...that you will forever be still hurting me.

me: that's sweet.

justin: do you think she'll like it?

me: of course.

    it was 2:34 am, the same night me and justin went to the fair and i was talking to him on the phone. we didn't want to go to sleep yet so we just talked. justin told me that he started writing a poem for rachel and asked for my opinion. i always loved his poems so this time made no difference.

me: i don't even know why you asked me. your poems brought you to where you are today.

justin: true.

    after listening to that poem, it kinda made me drowsy. i started falling asleep on the phone when i heard justin bursting out laughing right in my ear so i jump.

me: wtf?

justin: sorry. i'm watching jackass.

me: hawh, i'm kinda getting tired.

justin: okay. good night.

me: ditto.

    we both hang up and i start falling asleep but something stopped me from getting relaxed. i looked and it was my computer. it was still on and i was still signed onto stickam. i went to sign off and talk to whoever wanted to talk to me tomorrow but when i saw kayden's face on the screen. my account was on live and kayden wanted to video chat.  i changed my mind and i was wide awake.

kayden: sorry-were you going to sleep?

me: yeah but i'm wide awake now.

kayden: i saw you online so i decided to talk to you.

me: oh.

kayden: i heard what happened yesterday.

me: what are you talking about?

kayden: you finally did something with kathleen. i'm proud of you. too bad i missed it.

me: yeah, that's what everyone said. ESPECIALLY stacey.

kayden: imagine if stacey was there. whoa! scary!

me: yeah.

kayden: soooo.......how are you?

me: kayden, if you wanna talk about the other night, just say it.

kayden: yeah. i'm sorry for doing that.

me: i told you already, i like YOU, not justin. okay? my feelings are in a storage room locked for almost two years.

kayden: why didn't you answer my question though?

me: it's just that everything was going by so fast. like i said, i'm sorry for not giving you an answer but i couldn't say yes on the spot. i had to think.

kayden: so what? you don't wanna be with me?

me: i wanna but i won't.

kayden: why not?

me: i just can't. when are you leaving for college?

kayden: this coming thursday.

me: see. if we get together now, we'd have to break up on thursday.

kayden: so? can't we just be together for six days?

me: no kayden. that'll be too hard for me....and you. that means that we'll make memories within those six days and when you move, it'll be harder than it is now.

kayden: but i don't wanna leave wondering what it would've been like if we were together.

me: idk ju--kayden.

kayden: what'd you call me?

me: i said kayden.

kayden: no you didn't. you were about to call me justin.

me: well i was talking to him earlier.

kayden: what? and you don't talk to ME this late?

me: well you don't call me that's why.

kayden: YOU can try calling too.

me: it's kinda hard when i'm helping justin through his problems.

kayden: helping justin? why can you fix your own problems?

me: unlike you, i put others before me.

kayden: fine then, be happy with justin. i bet he's just gonna treat you like any other girl.

me: you were the one who started talking to me.

kayden: well sorry for that. you were just another mistake in my life!

    he signed off and i looked at the blank screen on my computer. i turned it off as i dialed justin's number with tears rolling down my face.

justin: i thought you were going to sleep.

me: i need help.

justin: omg, what happened?

me: it's kayden.....

* * * * * * * * * *

jeremy: lyn, how late did you stay up last night? your eyes are red.

me: i couldn't sleep. plus, justin was snoring.

    i was in the car with justin, jeremy and steven. we were on our way to mililani town to go to the shopping center because steven's been looking for a job and rachel works at jeans wearhouse so justin wanted to give her the poem.

me: steven, idk why you gotta look for a job so far away from home. how are you gonna get there?

steven: my parents said when i find a job, i get a car.

jeremy: finally! i'm so tired of taking you guys everywhere.

justin: your fault. you keep offering. at least we give you gas money.

jeremy: where's your bmw?

justin: i didn't feel like driving.

    we pulled up to the parking lot and found a parking spot. the parking spot was compact so it was kinda hard to get out. jeremy was driving and i was in the passenger seat. steven and justin were in the next row. me and jeremy didn't have any hard time getting out but it was hilarious when justin and steven tried getting out. since it was a navigator, it was pretty big so when they got out, they jumped down and accidently hit the car next to it with the door. they made like nothing happened but me and jeremy saw it. he got mad as i started laughing.

jeremy: you dumbasses!

justin: sorry! your fault for parking a fat car in a compact parking spot!

jeremy: my fault for having fat friends!

steven: we all weigh about the same. are you calling yourself fat?

jeremy: no. i just wanted to say that. i heard it on a movie last night.

    i walked away nodding my head in shame. i hate it when i go out with them and i'm the only girl. one, they acted so immature; two, girls look at me like i'm a slut; and three, they try to embarrass me as much as they can. with jeremy on top of steven and them two on top of justin, they started running to fun factory. when they ran passed me, they all yelled my name and everyone was staring. they got to the front of fun factory but fell while a group of guys started heading out. i started staring at them since they were cute but they were looking at justin them since they were on the ground. justin them stood up as they noticed the other guys staring at them so they staring eyeing each other out. there were five guys and the cutest one looked at me and smiled. he was wearing a a black shirt with a picture of a pimped out jolibee bee on it. i smiled back just to me nice but with justin them being protective of me, justin put his arm around me from my right side and steven did the same on my left side as we headed inside fun factory. jeremy looked like they were about to flick them off but i pulled him away before anything happened. i looked back to see the other guys' reaction but justin pulled my head the other way but i managed to see the cute guy shaking his head looking at them ground.

me: you guys are so irritating....and so shame!

    i tried to look back and i can see the group of guys still in front staring. i can see the cute guy signaling me to come by them. i looked to see what justin them were doing. steven and jeremy were racing cars and justin was doing the boxing thing. i hurried as fast as i could to get outside. when i got there, i kept making sure that the guys weren't looking. the cute guy kept smiling as his friends sat down while i walk towards him.

me: sorry about that.

cute guy: it's okay. one of them your boyfriend?

me: nope. i don't have a boyfriend.

cute guy: really? `cause i was thinking, a pretty girl like you really deserves three boyfriends.

me: oh, haha. no. they're just my friends.

cute guy: you also got shiny as one of your friends?

    <i>aww hell no. he better not be just talking to me because of justin. waste my time on another of justin's fans but this time, it's a guy. i wonder if he's gay.</i> i looked over to his friends and his friends are watching us. so shame!

me: haha yeah.

cute guy: you think i can meet him? his songs are fxckin` dope.

me: uhh, idk.

cute guy: do you and shiny have kids?

me: no.

cute guy: okay, bye.

    i looked at them with a confused face. it felt like i was in school. my mind went blank and my vision started getting blurry. i started heading back inside when i see the guys still playing. i stood on one of the motorcycle thingy and started leaning against it. justin's game finished first and he took off the supposed-to-be-glove thing. he sat on the motorcycle as he pulled me on top of it behind him. he stuck his game card inside and the game started.

me: you're so stupid.

justin: i'm just trying to have fun. now hold on tight. let's pretend were actually on the road.

    i start cracking up as i put my arms around him. i laid them loosely on his lap but when he started making low turns, i held on tighter. a swift of his cologne breezed by me and i just wanted to melt. i loved his cologne. he would always mix cologne and body spray together and he came up with this scent that smelt so good, i accidentally hugged him.
    when the game was done, we had to go. justin was gonna give his poem to rachel and steven was gonna apply for a job. when he got out of fun factory, we went our seperate ways. justin went right and us three went left. i know there's a jamba juice and i made steven get my white gummy for me.

steven: ye`noe i should just work here and make you anytime you went.

me: then why won't you?

steven: `cause i know that will be all day everyday.

me: what if i get tired of it?

steven: you've been drinking jamba juice for a year every single time we see a jamba juice.

me: and?

jeremy: hurry up you guys. i gotta see kat in three hours.

    we start heading towards taco bell since steven always wanted to work there. ever since they showed those chiuaua commercials, steven fell in love with the dog. i thought that was a stupid reason-even more stupid since he was actually gonna write that on the application on his reason for wanting to work there.
    we sat down as steven started filling out the application. jeremy's stomach started grumbling. as first, i thought it was mine but when jeremy started counting his money, i knew he was hungry. he ordered two tacos and a chicken quesadilla with a large drink. each of them had a taco and i got the quesadilla. they ate the tacos in no time when i was only half way done with my food. steven took a sip of the drink but jeremy didn't close the lid good so it kinda spilt.

steven: lyn, gimme another application.

    i looked at his application and it was 1/4 wet. i rolled my eyes as i got another application. i handed it to steven as i finished eating. it takes me a while to eat since i was already drinking my jamba juice. steven put the application in his pocket to do it at home.
    after an hour in taco bell, we headed to borders since justin told us to meet him over there. jeremy was playing with the computer and typed "jeremy love kat." i erased it and typed in "i like kayden." steven was playing on another computer and typed out "suck my bags." we started cracking up and was kinda too loud. we headed outside but went back in. i typed out "justin loves rachel" so i can show him later. while waiting, steven started reading sex books and jeremy read anime books. i started reading the magazines on the side. i picked up a magazine since justin was on it. i read the title="justin has a family!" there was a picture of me and justin with the twins from last night on the front page.

me: wtf! look you guys!

    jeremy and steven went to see why i was freaking out. when they saw the front, they grabbed another copy and read what it said.

me: <i>yesterday, justin delacruz aka shiny, teen sensation was seen at kapolei with-it looks like a family. last heard about shiny was that he was down in hawaii to visit. was the family his reason?</i> omg! i didn't think there's would be fans that cared.

    i was kinda loud so one of the workers told us to keep it down. i looked at the worker and he saw the magazine and gave me another face like he actually believes that i am justin's wife. he started leaving us alone after that even though we kept making noise.

me: maybe that's why he was asking that.

jeremy: what are you talking about?

me: oh nothing.

steven: justin's coming.

    we turned and saw justin walking to borders. his head was down so we couldn't see his face. when he got inside, i pulled him to the computer.

me: look that it says.

    he looked up to see the computer and then looked at me. his eyes were tearing again. i took him outside as i told the guys to stay inside and wait. i sat him down and did the filipino squat in front of him. he started crying more and i hugged him. i pulled back but he didn't let go. when he did, he put his arms around me and laid his head on my shoulder.

me: what happened?

justin: rachel. hawh, how can i be so stupid?

me: what happened?

justin: rachel already has a boyfriend.

me: tell me what exactly happened.

justin: okay.


    justin walked into jeans warehouse and saw rachel hanging the clothes. he hugged her from behind and she starts giggling. she turned around and when she saw that it was justin, she gave him a quick hug and continued putting the clothes away.

justin: i have something for you.

rachel: what is it?

justin: when you take a break, i'll give it to you.

rachel: it's in five minutes. you can wait outside or something.

    rachel went to the back with the box of clothes she was putting away. justin started looking around the store since he liked getting me clothes. rachel walks out from the back and pokes justin's side. that's his tickle spot.

rachel: let's go.

    they head to price busters and play around with props. they found a small corner that was isolated and acted like they were on stage performing.

rachel: i'll be the lead singer and you can be the back up.

    justin loved how rachel can act so stupid but no feel so ashamed. justin loved that she was go jumpy and never boring. after 20 minutes in price busters just joking around, they headed to fun factory since they always challenged in video games. they were playing a game with those guns and justin always had the habit of making sound effects while playing. they were inside for 30 minutes. then they went to grab some ice cream from longs and just sit and talk in the middle of the whole shopping center where the map was.

justin: ye`noe. i missed talking to you.

rachel: [shrug] me too.

justin: it's weird.

rachel: i know. we had so much memories together.

justin: remember the first day we met? we got into that agrument about guitar hero? you said it was so childish.

rachel: haha, yeah.

justin: that's because you didn't play it before i made you! after that, you were so addicted.

rachel: remember that time when we went to jennifer's party? we had that whipped cream fight and when i tried to get you, he ran away for your life. omg, when i got you, you cried like a baby!

justin: that was a new $134 jacket. ha! and jennifer's mom thought me and you were going out.

rachel: remember our parents when we went to california? went car cruising like they were our age. blasting the radio with tagalog songs and bobbing their heads.

justin: good thing the windows were super tinted.

    rachel jumped as her phone started vibrating.

rachel: we should start heading back.

justin: hold on. this is what i wanted to give to you.

rachel: what?

    justin handed out a piece of paper which was the poem. rachel hesitantly opened the paper and read it. once in a while, she would look up at justin while reading it. when she was done, she hugged him and she started crying.

rachel: this is so sweet. thanks.

justin: i'm sorry for doing that to you. i only started getting with other girls to get over you but it didn't work.

rachel: it sucked how everything we went through, all those memories we made, it ended up like that.

justin: i'm sorry. i still love you rachel whinette ignacio. let me prove to you that i do.

rachel: you really hurt me. i mean, we could've stayed friends after we broke up. it would've shown that you cared but after three days we break up, you found someone else? that's just not right.

justin: i know. i'm sorry for doing that. just give me one last chance.

rachel: i would but i can't.

justin: why not?

rachel: i love somebody else. we've been together for seven months already.

    justin's heart exploded into pieces and rachel just kept stepping on them.

justin: wow, i knew it was too good to be true.

rachel: justin, i still wanna be friends though. please?

justin: i'll try.


me: that sucks.

justin: idk what to do now.

me: find someone else. duh! that's what you always did.

justin: hawh, this sucks. might as well kill myself already.

me: justin, you're not that stupid to do that.

justin: i was stupid to lose a great girl like that. a girl like that comes once in a lifetime. there's not point of me living.

me: justin! yes, there is. you got me, you got steven and jeremy. you got your friends and family. you got those fans. justin, don't do that to yourself.

    i just looked at justin and shook my head. i wanted to slap his mind for thinking about that but hug him and kiss him since he was soo hurt. i knew what i had to do. i tickled his sides and he started smiling and laughing. i did it for a while until he couldn't breathe.

me: haha, i know your spot.

justin: idk already mailyn. i should just give up everything. including my life.


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