Giving up the art
Author: Ella

Chapter 13
one chance to choose

cyrilla grinned widely as she pulled open the front door. she skipped up to me joyfully and placed her hands on my shoulders.
"i'm free today!" she chuckled.
i smiled back but she could sense the sadness i withheld from her. somehow, the world was happy today but i wasn't. i felt a depressing feeling like always. it came once in a blue moon. after a really good and happy thing happened. had it a name for such an odd emotion, i would be the first to name it. i was upset. i was depressed. i felt nothing more than sadness. i wanted hope. yet i didn't feel hopeless. strangely, i found out why i was feeling sad. it was because i had nothing to look forward to. well, i had everything to look forward to. it was the holidays and even cyrilla was happy. but of all the great things that were to come, i appreciated none of them. i tried to look forward to them, but to no avail. it just wasn't something i wanted and what i wanted i couldn't say.

i took joy in seeing cyrilla's beautiful smile. she was just like ethienna and isabel. they were all beautiful girls with even greater gifts. how much i wished i was just like one of them.

"truly, i admire you," i whispered, hoping cyrilla would catch it.
"you're lucky you know," she replied with a stern face.
"how so?" i asked my eyes glazed.

she sighed a heavy sigh and slipped her feet into her shoes, "you don't have to deal with things i have to deal with. no point admiring me. in fact, i want to be like you. all the freedom in the world to do whatever you please."

"if that was so, i wouldn't have admired you in the first place," i said. "you don't have to be afraid of what you do. but i am. i am afraid of my tireless repetitions. would they be upset? would they call it noise? would they tell me to stop? i don't even get to try. but they want you to repeat for as long as it takes. they don't mind."

she frowned. "don't remind me about that. i don't want to repeat. i can't wait to stop! i can't wait for all of this to end. which i know it never will. ellia, you had a choice. i didn't."

she didn't understand. what choice did i have? i had the choice. but i didn't have the chance. i had to do everything of my own accord. and even if i didnt mind trying harder, things would stop me. people would stop me and disapprove. i was just in a different environment. and i realised how all of us never learn to appreaciate what we have. we long for another chance, another life, another's choice. without realising that someone else wants what we have as well. yet we cannot give it up, can we?

 

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