PTSD IN ALL ITS MAGNITUDE
Author: RJ mack

Chapter 6
MY PTSD MY WAY

with these poems i have started to over come the worse and am explaining to others what its like getting the message out and getting people to talk about men's mental health.

PTSD


Shall I tell you what PTSD is like?
Imagine you not being you,
But are, if you know what


I mean.
It’s as if a part of you grew.

And it grew and it grew ‘til out of control,
And squeezed ‘til the end of your rope,
With vicious self-loathing, confusion and guilt,
And a lessened ability to usually cope.

You’re alert all the time as if looking for threats,
You will jump when a car backfires.
One moment you’re shopping for day-to-day stuff,
And the next you’re back behind the wires.

And the door from your home is a tangible threat,
And the curtains become part of the wall,
And the hours become days and the days become hours,
And your hygiene is making you crawl,

And you will hate yourself, why wouldn’t you?
After all, all that hate is inside,
The name of those terrors that traumatized you,
Will stay nameless because of your pride.

And you will have a medal and your name in the press,
And a hero for one day you’ll be,
Then you’ll leave, get a job, and a house and some kids,
Whilst it festers and sleeps inside thee.

And one day, from the blue is a bolt just for you,
And it has your name written right through it,
‘Cos it’s personal you see, only you can see,
Because you lived through it when it was It!

Like a physical thought with a red hot agenda
It will explode away all normal things,
It will slash and burn and wreck your day
And the charging, stamping mares that night brings.

You’ll feel less than others, which is a paradox,
You’ll be like that because you do feel,
Don’t be afraid to be scared of the past,
But know that it’s past, that’s the deal.

It’s the guilt of surviving or the blood on your hands,
Or the memory of being in fear
And it waits ‘til you’re not expecting it
And descends with abominable cheer.

And you’ll hide it as best as your able,
You’ll hide it in crack, dope or beer
And this thing that’s inside you will conspire to trick you,
And the breaks and the cracks and divisions will appear,

And you won’t think “I wonder what’s happened?”
‘Cos deep down you will obviously know,
But because of that medal and those that are dead
You will start putting on a new show,

And the star of that show is a number of things,
a junkie or drunk or a lag,
or you’ll sit in a doorway, dog on a string,
but those inner voices will continue to nag.

And you may consider what seems the best cure,
 
A bullet, a rope or pills with a hunger
Or you’ll stand on a cliff and take note of a possible last breath,
And step back, but for how much longer?

Because it’s in you

You will know others could never know,
You will be certain, no room for doubt?
But it’s the guilt that’s stopping you sharing,
And the fear of passing your badness about.

And then soon lots of years will have passed you by,
And most not quite lived but survived
And those nearest have left you because you weren’t really you,
Just someone who looked like you, except the eyes.

And it isn’t you, and you will know that,
But you’ll think that you’ve left it too long,
It’s easy to ignore when times are good,
Not so easy when you aren’t so strong.

There are some things about PTSD I can’t tell you,
Cleverer men might know,
Each case is unique and so is any solution,
 
It takes a hero to face such a foe.



 

It’s said

Its men

Not women

Man abuse

Men hit

Men control

World you’re wrong

There are some evil women

I should know

I was beaten

I was controlled

                                     I was abused

What me I hear you say

                                   Look at you

You’re stocky

You could have stuck up for yourself

Sorry but I don’t hit

I don’t control

I don’t abuse

I love

I care

I nurture

That makes me soft does it?

Nah I say that makes me a man

Not soft

Anybody

Be it a man or woman

Who abuses

Is a coward

So next time you think it’s the man

Get your facts right

Cos it could be the woman

Don’t just assume

There are some good men

Remember this

Before you judge!!!!



Admitting and accepting




It’s not till you're down and out,

That you build a full picture

And you really see who, what you are

All the hell

All the trauma

Comes to the front,

 

Haunting and taunting you

You try to convince yourself everything is ok

But deep in depths of your heart you know.

 

It’s an ultimate surprise when it catches you

But how could it

It’s always been there in your subconscious

So why is it such a surprise?

 

You feel,

You self-hate,

You shut off

Hide away best you can

Decided that your walls are up

“Nobody’s getting in

Nobody’s gonna hurt me again

Stay away

Don’t help

Just stay away”

 

Then time passes you realize

You look around

Everybody is at arm’s length

You’re alone all alone

Even your new partner is to blame

But that’s a self-deference thing.

 

You haven't forgive your past and yourself

Maybe it’s time to awake myself and be the real me

Forgive myself forgive my past

Getting help is the first big step

The rest is a long winding road

Just keep moving slowly but surely does it

Take time to revisit and accept

Remember none of this is your fault

This happened to you

Not you happening !!!

The lone wolf

As he turns

Sniffing, tracking

This Ferrell creature looks for a pack,

He howls a dark screeching howl

Listens with great insistence

But nothing

No reply No familiar call.

 

This lone Farrell creature Whimpers and cries,

Till his nose twitches

He smells something

He stands tall and proud

He sets of running with the air of confidence.

 

He will have this feast

Even if he’s alone

He is an expert

This is his hunting ground this is his time.

His eyes hone on the prize

He is catching this feast.

 

 

With one swift and delicate pounce

He has it in his jaws

But maybe he been too cocky

The feast kicks and bites,

It seems he may lose this meal

His only comfort for the night

But this lone wolf will not give in

Delving down deep

He musters a fighting spirit

Wresting, baiting, and beating

He triumphs.

 

The feast is dead

Enjoying his reward

Realizing he may be alone

But he’s in charge.

He can do anything

If he finds a new pack, Great

But if not so be it.

Happy with this thought

He settles down and rests

For today has been a great day.


Dreams

Who or what are we?

We have dreams,

We have ambitions,

Yet we barely follow these paths

Too afraid to open our hearts

Too afraid to fail

We blame life, what has life done to thee?

But laid paths in front of thee!!

 

We need to look in to our hearts

Believe in thee,

Take the paths that scare thee the most

Those are the ones that will reward thee the most.

Failure is not an option

It’s a state of mind!

 

We can have those dreams,

Yes it’s hard,

Times will test thee

But anything worth having

As much as a dream

Is worth every bit of pain

Sweat, blood and tears.

 

 

 Don’t give in

Jump those blocks

Be more

Be true

Become the dream

And the dream shall become thee!!

 




 

 



 

 

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