Author: RJ mack

Chapter 5

these poems are very deep for me and show how low and how much my PTSD took over.



My heart is low my head in a spin,

Confronting my demons I knew would be hard but not like this.

I try to look forward but my mind is spinning on earth’s axis

Not sure which way to look or turn.

So many route so many wrong paths already taken

What was I in a past life cos this hell thought and thought?

All I see is flashes of my past, Care, the army, my ex-wife.

I want to scream and smash things

But I can’t I have come so far on this path things are looking up I know

But still I feel so angry upset and most of all lost.

My former self somewhere in the mix trying to get out but it’s spinning

Around and around mixing with all the hate and anger for myself all mixing

Churning like a cerement mixer one become the other entangled in a web

So hard to break free from this nightmare

To peace and relaxing thoughts of enjoyment

And loving life

But still I am stuck fight pushing and pulling these pieces apart

Try to break the cerement in to crumbles.

Making it easier to fight each bit snapping bringing out pain and anguish

Till there is no more and my mind is free and happy to cope and enjoy.

Last post and broken souls

As another year closes in

My head does not relent

Nevertheless, my heart thinks of those that have died

It is all too really

Too painful

So many, this year alone

Our lads have never been

So lost

Not sure what

Or Who

The enemy is

I have my own demons, I know


This is something else

My heart and soul is weaken

Each new report

Angering me

This war has turn

In to senseless bloodshed

As we say, we will remember them

Every word meaning so much

To each and every ex and serving solider

Please also remember

There are some of us who

Are at a lost

Where here

But not really

Our heads are lost

Hearts broken

Not sure what we are

Just less of our former self’s

As the last post is played

You see hurt and tears rolling

So much blood

So much loss

So many broken men

Not able to live

Just survive

Having to prove

Having to fight

Just for a little help

This country has lost its way

People say there respect us

Yet no help is give

It is a hard battle to win!






Its 2 in the morning my head is spinning

You enter my mind

I hate you what have you done to me

I can’t trust I daren’t love

I give you everything my love my heart my soul

You not only stamped on them you smashed them in to the smallest peace


You were supposed to be my true love that’s why I married you

Yet you tried to change me

You hurt me and argued with me because I had manners and was polite

I tried and better tried to forgive you

Even when you stabbed me

I understood you had insecurities and tried to reassure you

That you was all I wanted

I even give up my family for you

Why I still don’t know

And yet deep down I still love you and feel ashamed we couldn’t make it work

But I despise what you have done to me

I feel weak and a fool

You made me believe I meant something to you

But how could I

You hit me and beat me in to submission

It felt like I had to hide things from you for an easy life

Who makes someone feel so guilty and unloved?

Why did you do these things to me?

What did I do that was so bad?

I loved you

Praised you

And supported you

Please leave my mind I can’t handle these thoughts anymore

Please let me forget you

Goodbye my friend, my lover, my wife

And yet your still here at 2 o clock in the morning

Taunting me haunting me

I want to forget

I want to move forward

Please just go from my mind

Do not twist my head anymore

Let me sleep oh please let me sleep


Blood nightmare

Blood on my hands

Dark red liquid

Flowing like an unnatural waterfall

Making my hands all red

Changing the shape of my hands

Turning it in to your face

Eyes dripping

That red liquid


Drip, drip, drip

Forming a big red puddle

Where your body is

Those innocent eyes wide open

Like giant sources

Looking deep in to my soul

Taunting me

Haunting me

Shaken and awake


Checking me

Checking my hands

Checking my face

No blood


A nightmare

Another nightmare


The Struggle

These thoughts keep creeping in

The guilty

The shame

The self-hatred

I feel so low

It’s as if I am hurdling

Getting so far

Yet not far at all each thought a barrier, I can’t seem to get over

I keep trying

I think positive

Still these thoughts enter my mind creeping slowly

Till it’s all I can think off

Then it’s no sleep or little sleep

My mind churning and ticking overtime like a raving engine that has been stuck on overdrive

I hate this

I just can’t seem to function

I am trying so hard but it’s as if my past is pulling at my skin and mind

Pulling me in to this black nothing

The abyss where I am taunted and haunted by thoughts and flashing images

What do I have to do?

All I what is to be normal and work

My lord please helps me fight this evilness inside me

Stop these thoughts

Help me sleep

Help me

Please help me

I just what peace


Can’t take this no more

I love my family I really do

Nevertheless, don’t know how long I can keep going

I really don’t what to die

But I can’t see an ending to this hell

My heartbeats and fights like a winner

However, my head and body won’t fight with it

It’s fighting against me

Another two days off

And I hate it

They’re not going to want me at college if this keeps happening

Oh god what can I do

I what this so much

Why oh why is this pulling me away from

My happy life

My future seems

To slip away from me each second I am like this

Fuck it

Maybe I have to struggle like this to understand my past

Oh, I don’t know

I just don’t know anymore










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