PTSD IN ALL ITS MAGNITUDE
Author: RJ mack

Chapter 4
Another piece to the puzzle

Here shows what my wife did to me and how she broke me.

You

You’re in my head

You broke my heart

You destroyed me

Trust is my biggest fear

Love scares me these days

I gave you everything

My love

My soul

My heart

What you did

Beat me

Control me

Lose me my friends

My career

Gone fallen to bits

I defend you

Even tho people warned me

How could you

What did I do?

I wanted to make it work

But you

God you

Had to have me to yourself

You trapped me

Made me feel it was all me

When it was you!!!


Abused man

Someone asked me once

What’s it like being a man and being beaten and controlled?

Well first guilt sets in

As if it’s your fault

Then comes the pain and tears

Then comes the utter shame

And complete loss and understanding

Next you question yourself

Then you start keeping secrets

Just little ones to start with

Just to keep the peace

As things get worse the secrets get bigger

Each day becomes a dread

Not sure what or how to get out of this

Then you convince yourself she is only doing it cos she loves you

Then you start to think this is wrong

But you’re scared to mention it to anyone

Their gonna laugh at me call me a joke

Women don’t beat men that’s what their will say

You’re weak your perfetic

The one day you get the guts to speak out

Your surprised most people knew but couldn’t do anything till you was ready

Their give you an escape route

Those first few months afterwards are hell

You blame yourself

You constantly ask why but knowing no answer

Admitting it never gets easier

Just able to cope and accept it

 

 

Last day of marriage

That last day will never leave me

Me in tears you in tears

The shame off not making it work still with me

I loved you wholeheartedly

But it was enough

You took my last breath of hope

With the smashing of my face

The weight lifted off me was astounding

No my nervousness

No more steeping on glass

I can be me again

But who was I

You changed me

I was a shell of my former self

That train journey home

I wanted to come back

Say everything was ok

But my heart had took too much

It was the end I know

But for days

Weeks

Months

I would have took you back

Only cos when we was good we was amazing

But the bad had over taken the good

My body my heart could take no more!!!!

 


That night

That night you became a monster

Controlled by jealousies and rage

For no good reason

You never listened to me

I told you there was a female at work

But all you could think was I slept with her

Why wouldn’t you listen?

Instead of smashing the ash tray in my face over and over again

I lost all love and respect for you then

Why wouldn’t you just listen?

Listen and understand it was only ever you I wanted

If only you had listened more

Maybe just maybe we could have made it!!!!

 

 

My wife

I have some romantic memories

Some great memories

But they over shadowed by what you did

What you became

So much control

No reasoning behind it

I can’t believe just how much hate I have

You disgusted me

You who I fell for

You I give my every breath

You I give my heart to

Smashed it and stamped on it

It doesn’t know what’s right anymore

Trust what’s that

I only dare let people see little bits of me

Scared I will be smashed so hard again

All this because of you

Scared to be me

Scared to love

Just plain dam scared

Of life and love itself

All cos of you!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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