PTSD IN ALL ITS MAGNITUDE
Author: RJ mack

Chapter 2
Hell and Childhood

HERE are poems that I wrote about my pain in childhood

Child

You caught me

You never explained it was wrong

You made me do it in front of you

Could see u licking your lips

Then out of nowhere you snapped

Picked up your slipper

Hitting me and hitting me

Calling me a filthy little bastard

Thought you were here to love me and protect me

Guild me and support me in my young life

Show me right from wrong



You scared me

I didnít understand what you did was wrong

Not till it was too late

When I think off this one moment

I wanna cry and curl in to a ball

What did I do wrong?

I was fiddling


I didnít know it was wrong

But why hit me

Why make me do that

I didnít understand

I wanted to cry

I wanted to fight you

But you was too strong

But careful hitting me where nobody could see

Am I dirty or is it natural



I am older now

It took me years to walk back near that old house

The smell of your sweat is still there

The pain aww the pain

I might never have been able to tell the social worker properly

But I am sure there knew

I hate that you have damaged me

I am petrified to show proper love to little boys

Itís me

Am I dirty?

No I canít be this is your fault

Not mine!!!!!!!!!!!!















My Innocence




I never got a chance to be innocent

I was your punch bag and play thing

I was a no good to you

You took my childhood away

Far away

I was always petrified






mentioning what was happening

would only make it worse




Dreading each day

Being your slave

The child within† rotting away

Like an avalanche

Speeding its way down

Taking all my feelings and thoughts with it

My mind numb

And heart so low

I didnít get you then and I still donít now

I was in your care

What did you do?

You destroyed my childhood










That home

Time has gone by some things are a little vague

However, I remember the bad so well

I remember the abuse

The wardrobe coming at my sister and me

So frightened so scared

The sexual acts we had to do

The physical hard work we was made to do

While your kids enjoyed themselves

We were not kids we were animals

Slaves to your every need

Your kids messed up it was fine

We messed up and the slippers the belts would come out

We was always the lesser

The no goods

It was as if we brought shame on you

Why oh why keeps us then

It must have been the money

Canít have been love that is for sure

It has taken me so long to accept things

I cannot explain many of the things

I just feel pain and hurt

The one thing you never did though

Was break the bond

It is still strong today

My sister and I are too strong for that

You will never know or understand how much we

Fight for each other

I see you around every now and again

I am polite only for the sake of others

God I wish I could hit u the way you used to with me

But I wouldnít stop I would kill you

Therefore, I hold back smile

In addition, think

You bastards

I hate you!



Old man

Understand this

You have debilitated me

I needed so much more

You never asked

You never supported me

Did you ever care?

Was I more hassle or baggage to you?

Why did you not help me?

I needed you old man

You turned your back on me

I got hurt even more

Then you donít speak for time

I have been thought hell and its grounds

But youíre too selfish

No love

No care

LOOK AT ME

LOOK AT HOW MUCH IT HURTS

All I wanted was your love

Your support

Instead nothing

No answers

Just questions

Too many questions!!!!!












Dirty

You enter my head

You who took my childhood

I want answers

But do I?

Will there be the truth

I doubt it

You will probably make it my fault

Cos youíre a coward

Canít own up and be a man

I hate you

I hate me

Canít get it away from me

The dirtiness is still there

I feel sick

Horribly like I did something bad

But itís you

All you

Just fuck off

Stop coming back

Fucking hate this!!!!



















 

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