Author: Hannah Rumson
I can feel it. Itís killing me. And I didn't even know until now.
I am getting worse.
I get really hot and start to feel a burning sensation rush through me.
I can feel the anger overpower my whole system.
I lose it.
I am stronger than ever and no one can stop me, not even myself.
I start crying and my whole body is drowning inside.
I start to lose all self-control.
I feel as though I am possessed.
I throw my body around. But I canít feel the pain.
No-one can help me.
Itís all in my head.
If I donít have a break down then I will be living inside my head, thinking about everything which is going on. I try to find answers to things which donít even exist. I can even hallucinate- I do hallucinate. Itís starting to scare me now. I can see this guy who is about my age who talks to me and keeps me company. Which is weird. We get along really well, which would make some sense as they are in my head and my absolute imagination. He helps me to get through each day.
It happens when Iím asleep too. I donít just get nightmares; I know they exceed the name of night terrors. They are hell in my own interpretation in the state of dreams. I canít wake up, but when I do, I panic and am frightened. And, apparently my family heard me shouting in my sleep and punching the mattress of my bed etc. I know that in my head I donít want to go to sleep as I am scared to experience them all again so I donít go to sleep until really late. Even that doesn't stop them.
I suffer in silence. When anyone sees it, they do one of two things; tell me to stop and get on with my life or pretend they know what I am going through. But either way they do not help.
I get frustrated with the small things as well. I get so annoyed easily too. This really takes its toll when Iím around anyone really. I canít talk to family as they wonít take me seriously. I canít talk to any of my friends for reasons such as the fact that I canít trust any of them, they wonít actually care, they wonít understand, and they will think that Iím exaggerating and will tell me to get over it.
I need someone to help me.
One thing which does help is music.
I get lost in music, and always have it playing wherever I go.
I donít listen to the song in general like most people; I listen to the lyrics and the meaning of the song. I have some songs which I play quite a lot as they help me to calm down. I listen to Demi Lovato, Avril Lavigne and Lindsay Lohan. I really look up to Demi as an idol and an inspiration.
I have a book which I destroy every time I start to be like this and rip up and wreck a page at a time. Soon I will need a new one. Itís another thing I do, but itís not really doing anything so I will stop with that experiment.
People call this depression. Iím not sure which type though. I have made it clear to myself that I will never self-harm, do drugs or alcohol of smoking and I intend to keep it that way. Even I know that all of that is pointless and doesn't do anything for anyone, It just makes everything worse.
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