Lost and Surfacing
Author: BeanieGirl123

Chapter 32

What it has taken and what it will take to move on...
Beats down on me
How can I do this?
How can I move on?
Maybe I just simply...can't
But I need to let go of this kindling hatred
For someone who was just as innocent
Someone who deserves forgiveness

And I hate myself too
I hate that I ever uttered the word,"Yes"...
That I was too young to understand
Sometimes it's like she's a separate person
That four year old
And she's locked away in my mind
Balled up and crying
Begging me to let her go
Begging me to understand why she did it
Why she let him do it
Little four year old me
Beginning to hate herself because I hate her
I need to forgive her as well
Because she had no idea...

And my parents
My aunt
I need to forgive them
For not knowing what went on just above their head
In my room
I can admit that I don't hate them for it
I just wish
That they had checked on us
Made sure everything was fine
But they didn't know...

And my brother
He witnessed it
Too little to remember
I don't blame him for forgetting
For not telling
I must forgive him

And last of all
I need to forgive myself now
I need to understand how hard it is
To deal with this
I should know I'm so brave
If everyone knew they would be amazed
That I kept it to myself till a mere month ago
And had the courage to finally
After nine years
To tell someone
And get help
I should be proud
I didn't succumb to thoughts of suicide
I dealt with my pain
I was mature for my age
And I should love myself for that
So I need to forgive everyone

Because nobody knew what went on in that old bedroom of mine
You know?
The one with the pink walls
And dolls scattered about the floor
A beautiful little girl's bedroom
Holding an ugly secret...


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