Old Polaroid Photos - Short Story - Completed
GenreShort Stories / Fiction
Age Rating:R13
Submitted:Saturday, 21 July 2012
Star rating:
 
(9 ratings)
Read by:316 different readers
 

I feel the wind through my hair like thousands of memories through my head. Many of the memories that Iíve pushed back into the dark corners of my mind and some that I hold onto like a safety blanket are uncovered by the breeze. Pictures, moments, flipped over and dusted off. I canít ignore them any longer.
Up here on the tenth floor, I stand on the edge of the window and my mind. I teeter back and forth between jumping and stepping back. Between numb and insane with pain. Between life and death.
It can never be both.

A short story written for my Creative Writing class. Will only be one chapter because it's a short story.
Not a lighthearted subject, therefore this isn't a lighthearted read.

I like honest opinions and feedback, so leave them below.

 

List of chapters

Ch. 1 Old Polaroid Photos

Comments

 
Keri Thursday, 16 May 2013
This was a fantastic thing to read and I felt the emotion you put into it. Azmazing!
 
MisterPointy Friday, 8 February 2013
This was fantastic to read. It really was. The only thing is I wish you went into a little more detail with the guy she fell in love with. Other than that, this was great to read.
 
Seta Thursday, 17 January 2013
"I feel" is unnecessary in the beginning of the sentence, and makes it seem more like you're "telling" us. It's better to be removed.

The wind thing... where it's like memories, passing by the MC and all, I really don't get it. How are these memories associated by the wind? I can see why you'd use it, but I don't see it working when you really think about it. Maybe it's just me. It likely really is just me. Aaand likely the present tense of the writing, because I hate present tense with a passion. Something about it always makes me think the narrator is just telling the reader everything. It's extremely annoying. But I'll pull myself through this.

"Dad pushed me on the swing at the park one bright, sunny day."
----You might want to describe this differently. The "bright, sunny day" just sounds very cheesy, because of the choice of words.

"A flash and it's a couple years later,"
A flash,*

"into a bag and drug it away."
dragged*

"and couldn't sleep that night but not once did I cry."
and couldn't sleep that night, but not once did I cry.

"I feel a tear caress my cheekbone..."
"I feel" is not neccessary.
"A tear caresses my cheekbone..." *

"The year I blew out sixteen cnadles on my cake..."
---In this paragraph, you might do better to explain her friend in detail rather than summing it up to, "blonde hair and brown eyes she was absolutely beautiful", UNLESS, it was so long ago that she has trouble remembering her friend's face, but then it's better to mention that, that she has trouble remembering her face and all.

Youuuu have some sentences where commas are needed, but my fingers are cold (winter, heh...) and it's too much writing for me. I'll have more comments, anyway, don't wannt use up my typing ability on correcting the lack of punctuation, heh.

Noooow.
Is this woman supposed to have a somewhat childish state of mind, or does she just speak innocently?
"Mom spit out words she taught us to never use..."
"...even though he got real mean, real quick."
Those parts just make me think she's sixteen. I would have continued to think so had she not mentioned her sixteenth birthday.

I actually really liked this, in comparison to how much I thought I wouldn't, especially since it's all in present tense. You have no idea how much I hate present tense. I REALLY, REALLY hate present tense if it's used too frequently. The whole way through, I felt as if you were just telling me everything instead of showing. I have no idea how to fix that, so I can't even give suggestions. Present tenses just make me thinking of a narrator directly telling you, as if you're sitting with them in a bar, about their story. There's just no image. Not for me, at least. Maybe for others, but not for me. The ONLY image I got, was the one at the end, with the photos. When you described the photos, I really did get the image of this building that this thin, frail woman stood on. She's just looking up a little bit, as the photos just fly around her. They aren't really there, but with her lost state of mind, it's how she sees things. That was a nice sight.

I'm glad I chose to read this today, because I just came across a story that was so awful, I lost the motivation to write. It was that bad. It even pissed me off, and that does not happen often, at all. Then I read this, and it actually calmed me down a bit. There's something about your writing, even though it's not that detailed, that seems... honest, let's say. To be frank, I would have normally laughed at a story with the same exact memories to tell, if only it were written differently.

You didn't over-exaggerate things, maybe that was why. If you think of this as reality, sure, everything that happened is pretty damn bad. I wouldn't laugh if I heard this was a real story, even if it was written a little bad. But being that it's fiction, I'm able to laugh at extremely morbid things. This one, though, kept my interest, and it wasn't because of the depressing things that were laughable, because none of it was laughable.

You didn't dwell on any feelings too long. I think you should have, since she's been going through them for so long, but at the same time she's numb. She's not exactly feeling all too much. And I actually did like how you didn't dwell on her emotions. Your writing style is nice, the thoughts are a little cut up, which makes it more realistic since no one thinks completely coherently. Even out of dialogue, you use a whole line for very few words, which makes what is being said, more effective. It's a little similiar to my writing, whiiiich of course I love, :P

So! Yeah... heh. First story on here that I actually like. Woo! I can actually make nice reviews. That was nice, wasn't it? I didn't say anything rude, as far as I can recall. Your characters were real, I loved the depressing story, and again, the writing. Well done ^____^
 
Madeline Taylor-Applegate Sunday, 13 January 2013
Wow.... that was just... wow. Incredible. Thank you for asking me to read this, you did a really fantastic job. I particularly loved the imagery at the end with the polaroids. You captured an entire life here in just a few pages and that's not an easy task. I felt as if I were standing there with her, seeing what she saw and feeling what she felt. Others have commented on the less-than-perfect grammar, but I prefer the imperfections. That's what makes it real. People think in clips and phrases and pictures and feelings, not perfectly structured sentences.
Very well done, Annabel.

Cheers!
~Maddie
 
Rosie K Sunday, 19 August 2012
This is beautiful, and strangely poetic!
Amazing work!
I found some grammatical and spelling errors. Some sentences were awkward.
But all in all, a great read!

Click here for more comments