Finding Her Beast
GenreFantasy / Fan fiction
Age Rating:R13
Submitted:Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Star rating:
(1 rating)
Read by:312 different readers

This is not the world your ancestors lived in, we live in the world of the beast. My name is Nani, well itís actually KaíNani Stu, and I am from the Tetsurian fire tribe of the Northeast.


List of chapters

Ch. 1 Welcome To United Coven
Ch. 2 When The Sunset
Ch. 3 Tare


Caela Kings Wednesday, 4 July 2012
This is far better than a lot of things I've seen, but there's a lot to be improved.

Some of the issues in this chapter are structural, such as your dialogue. When a new character begins talking, you start a new paragraph. So, in the chapter when Nani talks to her sister, each time one of the girls responds to the other, start a new paragraph.

Secondly, there is a lot of telling rather than showing. You start the story telling us about the world. Not only is this boring, but it's awkward. Who says they have acquired years of age? I can understand you are trying to make the prose sound more archaic, but you end up hurting your description and the voice of your character. All you need to do is watch out for modern saying and slang and drop a "shall" or "atop" every once and awhile to make it sound a bit more archaic. Unless you want to go hard-core historical fiction, that's all it takes.

Your prose is also highly detached from your character. I can't imagine a fifteen year old talking like this--and that's what first person is. You need more description by far and much more characterization. Try to bring in more of your characters thoughts and emotions.

This also feels very rushed. In less than ten paragraphs, you've introduced the world, the main character, the main character's family, and brought her to her new school. I would suggest just starting with her arrival to the United Coven rather than those seven paragraphs of build up. The only paragraph with any useful information was the first page. The rest could be gone away with and we'd still understand everything that happened. And, let's face it, those middle six paragraphs don't hold any signifigance, do they?

Finally, your grammar is severely lacking. You have many, many run-on sentences, one of the most notable ones being the last sentence of the first paragraph. You are missing commas in your dialogue as well.

"Dialogue," the teacher said, "is done as so."

"Unless you finish the sentence all together, like this," the student replied. "Then you end the next statement with a period."

"And if the next statement is an action, not a tag like 'said', then you don't need a comma here." The teacher looked angry at the interruption.

Another student raised her hand. "And sometimes you don't even need to say who is speaking if it is obvious."


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