W.W.3 In The Beginning...
GenreAdventure / War
Age Rating:PG
Submitted:Friday, 29 June 2012
Star rating:
 
(1 rating)
Read by:475 different readers
 

17 year old Colbie Tallis, and her 14 year old sister Payton, got abandoned at an orphanage in the heart of Yorkshire England, nearly at infancy, when they are going to be separated they decide to escape with friends Talon and Camden Friar, but then get split up they take a boat to what think is Canada, but get taken to Israel, during that a series of unfortunate events occur, people go missing, Payton disappears, and the world's only hope is left upon young Colbie Tallis, and a few of her friends.

 

List of chapters

Ch. 1 Caught In The Act
Ch. 2 An Unexpected Visit
Ch. 3 Visitor x 2
Ch. 4 the act
Ch. 5 Leaving So Soon
Ch. 6 Hard To Starboard
Ch. 7 A Turn Of Events
Ch. 8 The First Impression
Ch. 9 Mister Know it all
Ch. 10 Forgiven
Ch. 11 In Need Of Assistance
Ch. 12 the pros and cons
Ch. 13 Times A Wasting
Ch. 14 The Real Meaning Of Love
Ch. 15 Not The End

Comments

 
Justin Rosenthal Monday, 10 September 2012
Alright, so overall I think you have a great plot here, but your structure is going to make your book worthless and essentially unreadable. A couple of things I noticed:

That first paragraph is just one giant run on sentence. Take out some of the commas and use periods instead.

Every line of dialouge needs to be on a different line.

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