Oak Avenue
GenreChildren / Adventure
Age Rating:PG
Submitted:Wednesday, 18 April 2012
Star rating:
 
(4 ratings)
Read by:341 different readers
 

Ellie and Abigail are kids that have been orphans since their parents died in a fire. Their relatives never took them in because their families had a bad past. But when they found out that Destiny tricked them into thinking their parents are dead, they take a chance risking their lives, and freedom. Will the authorities find them before Ellie and Abigail find their parents?

If more people can rate/comment on my book to give it advice to have more readers that'd b great! Thnx!:)

Chapter 3 coming soon!!

 

List of chapters

Ch. 1 Abigail and Ellie
Ch. 2 Orphanage

Comments

Pin3apple Monday, 14 May 2012
I understand. I started the lighter and Oak Avenue and many of the first stories i'll be publishing here in sixth grade, and i understand if they're a bit messed up.
 
Scarlette Noelle Sunday, 13 May 2012
This is a really good story ^^ Though, I fail to see how this first chapter is supposed to draw in your reader. Perhaps add more intrigue so people keep reading. Otherwise, despite all else it becomes a bit blah.
Now, your writing is really good (albeit, a few spelling errors here and there) however, there are a few places where the flow is interrupted. For example, words like “which” are unneeded. “she had blue eyes, which I loved.” It just doesn’t sound good. Instead, try, “She had blue eyes. I always loved her blue eyes.” The beginning of this story gives a melancholy feel, a mood that you should try to put throughout the story. The “which” and a few other places in your story just don’t cut it.
Another thing, your grammar. There are a few places where you go into present tense. Technically, it’s not wrong, but it isn’t well enough integrated into the story. When you’re talking about Mary’s heritage use the past tense. Mary is dead. In a first person story like this present tense is most effectively used when the main character is talking about herself because she has to still exist in order to write or tell the story.
Anyway, thanks for reading my story and good luck with yours :D
Pin3apple Monday, 23 April 2012
Thank you!!!!:)
 
StormBreaker Monday, 23 April 2012
I like it. I don't see anything wrong with it besides too many commas. There are some you don't need, but I like your writing style. Can't wait for the next chapter! :)
Pin3apple Friday, 20 April 2012
Thnx! And, i kno thers alotta errors in this. I started writing it last yr, and when i found it there wasnt any thoughts really. So i had to fix it up alot. But ill sure take the advice. Thnx!:)

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