Comments
The Mall

Pin3apple Monday, 20 August 2012
Charly- Omg! Thank you! I didn't really think this one was goin that well along with another one. Besides the lighter, ther alll goin slow
thank you!!!!!:)

-Pin3apple:)
 
Charly Froerer Monday, 20 August 2012
This sounds so good, but remember to make new paragraphs when people speak.
This book sounds SO good!
Pin3apple Monday, 28 May 2012
Thank you! Ant the v-neck cutter thing was supposed to be a machine of how you make the jewelry becaus they own the shop. (Truth is, i made it up because i do not own a store) But thank you! I will try making the chapter a bit longer. Thnx for your help Kerryanne!
 
K.J.Koops Sunday, 27 May 2012
Hi there,
This first chapter is definitely an interesting way to start a story! I can't say I have read too many which jump straight into a girl going to the mall.

However, I can't say I completely understood everything which was going on, particularly at the end where it is talking about a V-Neck cutter etc. I think you might need to perhaps make this chapter a bit longer and pace it all out a bit more, adding some more subtle hints about the surroundings and some more information about the main character and the other characters actions.

I can't really tell where the story will be going from the first chapter, but I suppose that is quite common for first chapters. A little hint at it, even it is subtle might be nice though. :)

Overall, I think this is a good start! Just needs a few tweaks here and there to grab your readers a bit more and make them want to read the next chapter.
Hope this helps!
Kerryanne

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