Comments
No Motive

 
WolverineGirlXD Tuesday, 16 June 2009
I LOVE stories with like FBI and police in them. I'm a Numbers and X-files freak!
 
WolverineGirlXD Tuesday, 16 June 2009
No offense but the way you write from third person is kinda weird. Not that third person is weird but just the way you write it. I also agree you have an obsession with the word "had" (lol) and you need some commas in there.
 
A. Dunlap Wednesday, 10 June 2009
As a fellow writer, I am going to critique this like crazy. It can get annoying when people talk about your grammar mistakes and such but then they dont give examples, so I am going to give you plenty!

This sentence has an awkwardness to it:
The man was complaining in the field as he was pacing back and forth...

I would change it to:

the man was complaining in the field as he paced back and forth...

By eliminating the second was, it sounds a LOT better.

Also I wouldnt say that will watched his partner pace. we already know that his partner is pacing. I would choose a different word.
i.e: fret, worry, etc

Instead of:

The car was an old Cadillac Allante but John loved it.

It should be:

The car was an old Cadillac Allante, but John loved it.

Instead of:

The guy had no motive he just killed to kill or because he loved killing.

Try:

Scar had no motive. He killed for the satisfaction of killing.

Also, we already know that there are 7 victims. Youve announced this a few times, so you dont need to say that there were 6 others before Jerry.

Take this sentence out, its unecessary and its annoying sounding.

They wouldnt have said that the killings had no motive if the victims had at least known eachother somehow.

We already know theres no motive, youve established this. Therefore, it is a given that they dont know eachother. If they did, that would be a huge motive.

The sentence after that needs to be taken out too. Except for the part that says anybody could be scar, even john or will. I would make that its own sentence, but id move it to a different place.

I dont like that you keep saying "the guy". Scar is suppose to be a KILLER, not just some guy. Besides, how do we know its a guy?

Your spiel about Victoria needs a lot of editing.
You say "had" too many times in the beginning. It makes it sound awkward.

Change it to something along the lines of:

Victoria was an eighty year old widow who spent most of her time in the hospital for one thing or another. She was fatally allergic to peanuts. Just one caused hives to cover the surface of her body, and her throat to swell to the point of blocking her airway. Scar slipped an extremely high dosage of peanut oil into her feeding tube, causing her entire body to go into a state of shock before it shut down her system entirely.

Im noticing that you have a tendency to use "had" WAY too much. I dont have the time to correct every single one of them, but im sure you can see the reoccurence now that ive shown you a few.

Ill come take another look at this sometime soon.

Youve actually got a really good story here. The grammar isnt the best, but thats the way every story starts out. Your plot is very interesting, I love it. I think this will turn out to be an excellent novel.

Jack B. Nimble Monday, 20 April 2009
So, I'm not even through the first paragraph and I see that you are missing a few commas. (I'm a comma freak)
I think you should go through and re-read this and diffiantly find out where all of them need to go.
I'm going to bed now, so I can't read any further, but I'll add to my favorites and read more when I get the chance.

-Chelsea.
 
Mary-Annalee DiGiovanni Monday, 20 April 2009
a great story so far :) few little things here and there, bt overall an enjoyable read.

could you read my story "the long way around"?
 
A secret never to be told Monday, 20 April 2009
Really interesting story line and you have wrote it out quite well. I will deffinetly read some more later.
 
A secret never to be told Thursday, 14 May 2009
hey I really like your story its making me gripped. I see that you like vampire stories well i'm writting one called the secret truth if you could read some and then comment and rate honestly it would b great. Thanks :)
 
<3 :) Tuesday, 17 November 2009
U have potential! I love this novel! It's great. Keep going with story-writing, I think it'd really work for you.

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