Final Future

David Jae Monday, 3 March 2014
A grand idea for a story that is let down by the execution. Your dialogue is poor and there is not enough tension. Mercer is an interesting character, more so than Logan. This idea has promise, but it falls short of it.
casey32117 Thursday, 19 January 2012
Im bored, said a 20 year old Shakti (a humanoid lizard race) male with many spikes running down the back of his head, as he walked in circles. - Perhaps if your characters had more action, and you allowed the reader to arrive at an idea of what the character is from description, instead of labeling him a lizard? i.e.- The Shakti paced restlessly within the small confines of the too small cell he was forced to share. The bare glimmer of light glimmered off the fine scales the covered his dry, smooth skin. Also... are you telling me that he has a nightmare and then TWO YEARS later something related to it comes to pass?
wiggygurl Monday, 21 June 2010
This seems good. I know it's kind of anime themed, but i suggest less dialogue.
I also kind of got confused on who was who.
Maybe a little more description of the characters.

check out the world of the wonderers
SydLAAAnder Thursday, 6 May 2010
hey dud, hmm, way to much uncompellibng dialouge. Try?, ah yes, try shorting it to only the most important and describe the characters more.
Love2Read Wednesday, 5 May 2010
I agree with Simply Lina :(
The Lina Wednesday, 5 May 2010
I was interested in your blurb but this chapter was slightly dissapointing.
1) I hated the beginning - that was the blurb! It shouldn't start the story!
2) The first two dialogues were just bad. The 20 year old and the 23 year old, Shatkis and Dark Elves, and whatnot - you're just trying to introduce them all at once [which is too sudden].
3) The dialogue overall was pretty poorly written, in my opinion.
4) The flow was off, especially in the beginning.
Love2Read Wednesday, 5 May 2010
You can include as much dialogue as you want, but you have to have enough description to back it up. My comment included a suggestion that you could either totally ignore or accept. It's your choice. If it's not something you want to go by, then ignore it.
Love2Read Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Wow. I really like this idea, I have to say. It's not something I would be caught reading but this certainly caught my eye. One thing though, there's too much dialogue and no description. That's something you need to work on ;)

May I ask, could you possibly check out my book, "Blood, Sweat, and Tears" in return? I would love to hear what you have to say since every comment matters. I would appreciate it if you took a look at it. Thank you ;)

~Merisa M. C. ♥
M.A. Van Dyke Tuesday, 13 July 2010
I'm enjoying this so far, I like the humor and tongue-in-cheekiness of it! I took off work today to ride my motorcycle but the weather is not cooperating, so I figure I'd poke around on here for a bit! I'm going to keep reading this and rate it when I get a little further in. If it happens to be raining where you live and you can't go outside to play I'd love it if you could check out my stuff! How's that? I've avoided asking anyone to read my stuff til now... Feels a little awkward and needy... Oh well, take a look, I think that you'll like them! Have a good one
The Lina Wednesday, 5 May 2010
I've skimmed the remaining chapters, and I have to say, they're pretty awful. It's almost entirely dialogue, and all the dialogue is almost exactly the same. Said Mercer, said Zhen, said so-and-so, said said said SAID. I admit there's an occasional variation of said but otherwise it's all the same. Are you trying to write a story or script?

casey32117 Thursday, 19 January 2012
You should consider more action words, less exposition. Also, the setting (environment) could be better served.
Aidan Sunday, 6 June 2010
good story

check out Hayden and Trent
Jake Connors Wednesday, 4 June 2014
I really liked this story:) great job with style of writing to make this story. I hope you could check out my stuff like my Airegoth one if you like to read fantasy. I hope you can give me your opinion or advice of so far what i got.:)
casey32117 Thursday, 19 January 2012
I think you need to throw out half you dialog, tighten up the pacing and maybe the whole "Dragon Ball Z" feeling will recede. Don't get me wrong, it is an impressive effort. I believe you have the the gumption to rewrite it. And remember, most of the art of writing is Rewriting!
Scott Adair Tuesday, 19 October 2010
I hope you dont take my rating to harshly. But Im big on honesty. I like your enthusiasm 50 chapters is awesome. At the same time like most of the others I see a huge lack of description. And not just the scenery and background but how you tell what they are doing on a basic level needs to be redone. I know you see it all in your head what they are doing I can tell as much when i read the story of which i will admit I only read the first 12 chapters and the last 3. But you don't express there movements or any action around them well at all. If you are still going back and adding that all in then forgive my rating but as it stands so does my rating. If perchance you really desire some pointers on flow and how to rework some things to flow better I would be very happy to help you though I am no writer I think I could help.

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