Comments
Amon

 
Maddiee*xo Wednesday, 14 April 2010
this story has a good plot, but there are quite a few grammatical errors.
first of all, the story is not very effective by starting off with: "I walked into the toy store with my siblings and saw the most beautiful person ever." --> there is a lack of description. Describe the toy store, use adjectives and THEN get into the part where you see the boy. Also, saying he has 'perfectly blue eyes' is not a description. Compare his eyes to something, like the sky or ocean.
Other than that, it is actually quite good. (:
Keep it up xD

p.s. can you check out my books too ?
xx

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