Author: Quatez Reid

Chapter 3
The Funk

3 Days Ago...

All I'm saying is that...America is just woefully unprepared for a zombie invasion...

Soldier 2: I think...you watch too many movies!

No man, just hear me out! Have you ever thought about planned escape routes? Or how your military training would come in handy if you gotta survive against the undead?

Soldier 2: No, not really. Frankly, IF it DID happen, I have “Stella” in the arms room, and she's got a sick attitude!

Yeah, don't get me started. In all the movies, and shows, we ARE among the FIRST to DIE! Can soldiers just not shoot anymore? I mean really? And why do they always fire on FULL AUTO? Who taught these guys BRM, heroin addicts with O.C.D.?

Soldier2: Listen Smitty! Its just movies-Hollywood. Glitz! I remember you saying that your favorite movie was Black Hawk Down. Well, you know that the main character NEVER got shot ONCE! Even while running through hails of bullets...You wasn't complaining.

Smitty: That's because that's... like a documentary. Zombie films, NO!

[Soldier 2 picks up a newspaper with a female scientist on the front. The headline reads “First Sentient Computer Has “SON”...]

Smitty: WOAH! Whos the babe?

Soldier 2: I dunno...lets see...Francis Mandate.

Smitty: Helluva lastname.

Soldier 2: Apparently, she invented a supercomputer that they call G.O.D....or Government Operated Device. It says here that... G.O.D. Is the first computer to be linked into the global grid of the world strictly operated by the US government themselves.

Smitty: Is that...good?

Soldier 2: Dunno...strange that they are calling it G.O.D. Though. And even their team is called A.N.G.E.L.S.

Smitty: Eh, I don't really buy into all that religious stuff. Jesus walking the earth. Ok, I'll buy that. But God being a man AND his OWN son? Sounds like some sorta Oedipus Rex nonsense. And he was the world's first zombie?!

Soldier 2: Well actually...there was a guy named-

Smitty: WHO CARES?! People worship a living-dead man? Really? A goddammed zombie?!

Soldier 2: Whatever man. You're just mad because you're stuck on this stupid leader's recon detail.

Smitty: Probably!

[Another soldier comes running up to the other two soldiers and salutes...]

Sirs,(pant) there's trouble!(pant pant)

Smitty: What are you talking about Vonotar?

Vonotar: Theres some kinda(pant)...infection sir!

Soldier 2: Woah troop! Calm down. Explain!

*PFC Vonotar stands up at the position of attention*

Apparently, theres some sorta bacterial strain in ALL meat products and the water supply! Its like an EPIDEMIC or something sir.

Smitty: Well, that does indeed suck. Believe me...

Soldier 2: Did they say what the side effects were?

Vonotar: Well...first you start with the...

Smitty: Start WITH WHAT?!

Vonotar: The...the...FUNK!

*Another soldier (of the others) plays Nutbush City Limits by Tina Turner*

Soldier 2: You guys...

Smitty: SUCK! You had me thinking that somethin' was happenin'. Unlike your NCOs, I actually HAVE to care.

Vonotar: You should've seen the look on your face sir.

Smitty: I hope you get eaten in a zombie invasion.

Soldier2: I hear they don't like profiles though.

Smitty: Naw, he'd be what they call an “easy meal”. Somebody turn that song off. You guys aint even sposed to be out here anyways. Its a LEADER'S RECON! You want someone who outranks lil 'ol me to find out that gave you fun? That I took you hard workers from your beloved PMCS?

Vonotar: No sir!

Smitty: Well with that being said, gimme a couple bodies. I need some help getting those MREs.

Vonotar: Oh sir...we already ate. We went to the McDonald's with Sergeant Parker.

Smitty: You did? Well why didn't you guys think about your lil 'ol Lt.? I give you the gift of fun, and you guys in turn give me Tina Turner?

Vonotar: He said that you could afford to get it yourself with your officer pay.

Smitty: He did...did he? Tell him to come see me!

*Vonotar runs back to the HMWVV*

Soldier 2: Smitty, you gonna really smoke that guy?

Smitty: Boyd, you know me better than that! OF COURSE! But its not because he didn't get me the tasty delights that are McNuggets...

Boyd: Whatever man...still make you leave here any sooner, or get some Mcnuggets!

[Smitty waves his hand to blow off Boyd...]

*Vonotar returns out of breath and doubled over*

Sir...s! I can't find him! He was supposed to be in the HMWVV...sleeping as usual.

Boyd: Maybe the “Zombies” got him. Or maybe he ate that pork...McRib's back ya know...

Smitty: I guess if you want something done RIGHT...gotta call the lowest ranking joe to do it. PRIVATE LEWIS!

[After a few seconds there is no answer...]

Smitty: Can I get a “movin' sir”...”fastly arriving”...”comin' prematurely sir?” ANYTHING?

Vonotar: Come to think of it...I haven't seen him either?

Smitty: I guess that explains why that song is still playin'....DAMN! Gotta go look for some soldiers who SHOULDN'T even be here in the first place...BOYD! You're the man now. If anything should happen to these soldiers, I'm giving all power and capacity of receipt of my UCMJ to you.

Boyd: Yeah yeah. Start with the Porta Johns. Mighta had some bad meat.

Smitty: heh. Bad meat.

*Smitty walks over to the latrines and bangs on the doors*

COME OUT SERGEANT PARKER! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE. NO, I'm not mad that you didn't get me any Mcnuggets...

[Theres no answer and after a few seconds, Smitty gets belligerent...]

OK! Sergeant! You better come out on the count of 3...OR I'm recommending you for UCMJ! Disrespect to a Commissioned Officer...and I PROMISE you we go harder than 45 and 45!

*While Smitty is beating on the door, a pool of blood pours out from under the latrine*

Smitty: Oi! Hey...man...I didn't mean that stuff...I mean, its not THAT serious, for you to...kill yourself or somethin'...

[The latrine door unlatches and a pail looking body comes stumbling out..]

Smitty: The Hell?


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