[A tumble weed rolls through an abandoned city somewhere in the night. The tumble weed hits a man in the leg and gets caught on him before rolling off. The man's head then explodes into a extravaganza of brain cells and eyes “a la mode”...]
Soldier: GOT ONE! I think that one was worth about... 5 points, dont you, Boyd?
*Another soldier pulls off a pair of NVGs (of the "Nods" variety)*
Boyd: Nah! It was like...2 points...Smitty.
Smitty: Yea, says the guy who shoots to “wound”. Got it. How bout we play a new game...30 round pick up!
Boyd: You know the extra noise'll bring the geeks out...
*Boyd takes up a kneeling posture and raises his M4*
But...just make sure you watch my six! I don't want any accidents...!
Smitty: Yeah...like I'd like those sludge-mouth dumbies get that close!
Boyd: I'm talkin' bout your aim high speed!
Smitty: A hee-hee...
*A female comes running from out of the darkness and trips*
Boyd: Holy Hell! You see that?!
Boyd: A BABE!
*Smitty whips around at a stunning pace*
Boyd: HEY TURN AROUND AND WATCH THE SIX! I CALLED HER OUT! SO I GET DIBS!
Smitty: ...but theres no mealy-mouths over here...You're getting' all the action!
Boyd: Just pay attention! Head and eyes, straight!
[The woman gets up and falls again, then gets up and trips over her own ankle...]
Boyd: God! Is this chick stuck in an animation loop or somethin'? All she does is fall over...repeatedly. I kinda think she deserves to get eaten at this point.
Smitty: WHAT a horrible thing to say!...Is she ugly?
[The woman gets surrounded by legions of the “dumbies”. As she is about to get eaten, shots ring out and the dummies start to fall, one by one...]
Smitty: HEY! If you're sexy, come over here! If you're ugly...STAY!
*Boyd punches Smitty in the leg*
Lil Lady! I know its dark, but follow our voices!
*The woman looks around and continuously stumbles in the dark*
Smitty: Do you think we should tell her we are in a tree house?
Boyd: If shes smart...she'd-
*The woman runs into the tree in a panicked state and knocks herself unconscious*
Smitty: The good Lord, doth exist. I'm goin' down!
Boyd: Hey! No funny stuff! You get in, see if she needs any medical treatment, and then you get back here.
Smitty: Yea, yeah. You just keep the geeks off me!
Boyd: Yeah, yeah...
*Smitty grabs a rope that doubles as the only entry/exit point and climbs down*
*Once Smitty gets to the woman, he checks her neck to see if there's any pulse*
OH YEAH! Still alive!
Smitty: Hey lady! You're gonna be alright. I'm gonna take you somewhere...safe...er!
Smitty: Ok...but you just remember that “Smitty helps those who help themselves”...and the dumbies are out here tonight lady. But no, don't listen to ol US Army 2nd Lt Smith.
Woman: You're...youre military?
A dumbie moans next to Smitty and he stabs it in the face and kicks it away
Made me mess up my soldier's KABAR. Wrong with these freaks?
Woman: Please...help me! My ankle...
Smitty: Yea, my battle told me about your clutziness. But its cool, you're sexy.
*Smitty tries to lift the woman up with a "fireman carry"*
Damn lady! Maybe some pilates would do you some good!
Woman: Shutup! Jerk!
*Smitty simply throws the woman over his shoulder and proceeds to climb the rope of the treehouse*
AYE BOYD! How bout some help you failed miscarriage you!
*Boyd throws his arm down so that Smitty can get stable and grab on*
Anything for you, cumshot!
[Boyd pulls both the woman and Smitty up into the treehouse and pulls the rope back in. As he is pulling, a dumbie grabs the rope and starts to tug on it...]
Bad news bears bro! They got the rope!
Smitty: Wait! You expect me to believe that a bunch of braindead tards is giving you an epic tug of war battle?
YEA! HOW BOUT A HAND!
[Smitty picks up his rifle and fires shots that rip the dumbies hands off, and the rope comes flying into the tree house and rips, basically destroying the entry/exit point...]
*Boyd reels over on all fours panting heavily out of breath*
Ya know(pant pant), when I(pant) said to give me a(pant pant) hand, I meant with the rope, NOT THEIRS!
[The camera pans back to see the dumbies' hands still hanging on to the rope tightly, still gripping as if they were still attached to their respective wrists...]
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