The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 79
The wedding

At 3pm I arrived, at Lichtenstein castle in Hout Bay, for our wedding. Like the house that we had looked at, it was also at the foot of the mountain, overlooking the sea, and yes, it was made of bricks, lots and lots of bricks. Now that we have the bricks out of the way, let me tell you about the wedding.

A limit of 140 guests sounds like a lot, but after putting down the names of everyone we wanted to invite plus partners, we had a list of about 300 people. 3 years ago that list would probably have been about 40 of my friends and family and 80 of Shelley’s, but since we had joined BI our friend count had grown drastically, and so we had the tough job of cutting down the list to only the favourites. I wondered if the purpose of a wedding was to test one’s ability to negotiate decisions with one’s future wife.

As you’ve probably realized by now, doing things the traditional way is not my thing. While Shelley obviously wanted the prettiest wedding imaginable, I was quite keen to have some sort of fun theme at our wedding. The castle was a perfect venue for a medieval theme. It didn’t take us too long to agree that we would dress up as a medieval prince and princess. My parents wore matching blue king and queen outfits, and Shelley’s parents wore matching red king and queen outfits. The groomsmen, Rupert, Raymond and Edward, wore matching knight outfits, and the bridesmaids wore dresses to match the knight outfits. Everyone else had to rent a medieval outfit instead of getting us presents. We decided that presents wouldn’t make sense, since we pretty much owned everything we wanted already.

Of course, with the whole religion issue, we decided against getting a minister from my church or Shelley’s, and instead found someone at BI with a marriage license, a hobbit sized man, named Sam. He wore a medieval monk’s outfit, my personal favourite outfit of the day, because it really looked funny, especially with the bald patch wig.

I have to admit that I wasn’t very focused on what Sam had to say during the ceremony. My focus was mostly on Shelley and remembering to say ‘I do’ at the appropriate time, until he came to the ‘if anyone knows of any lawful impediment why these two should not be wed’ part. There was silence. I half expected Shelley’s parents to say something, but they didn’t. Andrew made a coughing sound, and the wedding continued.

After Sam had informed Shelley and me that we were allowed to kiss each other we slipped away for photos on the beach and then returned to the reception for speeches. I don’t know if you’ll think it’s wrong for me to say this, but the truth was that my favourite part of my wedding was cutting the cake. It was a three tier chocolate cake covered in marzipan and white chocolate.

As I bit into three layers of heaven a voice from behind me interrupted, ‘So, how’s the truth system coming along?’

I turned around and there was Shelley’s father in his shiny, red, king’s outfit and crown. ‘It’s going really well,’ I told him. ‘We’ve selected a highly intelligent group of twenty people, who passed all of our tests. They’re busy on their first assignment, which is to figure out whether or not humans are actually contributing to global warming.’

‘Oh, I thought that had been figured out a long time ago.’

‘Actually, yes, the idea has been around for ages, and the planet Venus is a very good example of global warming due to the type of atmosphere. It’s something ridiculous like 800 degrees there, but there are still many intelligent scientists who believe that global warming has not been affected at all by human activities.’

‘Really? So, how are they going to figure out the truth?’

‘They have to investigate the history of the idea that we cause global warming, find out what experiments were done and consult with scientists or climatologists to see if those experiments can be validated or not. Once all that is done they may need to conduct some experiments, or at least pay some scientists to conduct the experiments for them. While they’re finding out information, it gets captured in a specially written computer program, in order to organize it in a way that an overall percentage can be generated.’

‘A percentage?’

‘A percentage, yes,’ I acknowledged, ‘because it’s unlikely they will have a yes or no answer, but rather a percentage of likelihood that the answer is “yes”.’

‘And then what will they do with the information?’

‘We have a website where we’ll publish all our findings, and there’s also an on-line newsletter which is available for free. We’re also going to publish a magazine, which can be bought.’

‘So you’re actually going to make money out of this?’ he asked, slightly accusingly.

‘I hope so,’ I replied.

‘And what about religion? Any progress on that?’

Just then I felt myself being shoved from behind. I bumped into the table and nearly sent the cake flying, but managed to stop it with my hand. Shocked and confused, I turned around to find my 81 year old grandmother holding on to me. ‘Are you okay?’ I asked.

‘Hmm?’ she replied. ‘I’m getting married in the morning...’ she was singing.

‘Excuse me,’ I told Brian as I helped my grandmother back to her seat. ‘Enjoying the wedding, Gran?’ I asked.

‘Hey?’ she replied, smiling. Two empty bottles of wine on the table in front of her gave me a clue as to why she was falling all over the place. I licked the icing off my fingers while looking around for my mom. I found her and asked her to look after Gran.

The song, ‘Nelly, the Elephant’ started playing and it was my queue to join the crazy guys on the dance floor. ‘Whooooaaa! Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus...’ The music blared as my friends and I jumped around. It’s a bit easier for me to dance to music that doesn’t require any kind of co-ordination. Ryan, however was doing an incredible robot-like dance that would have impressed Michael Jackson as the rest of us bounced around like Gummi Bears.

The reception carried on until 11:30pm. Shelley and I climbed the stairs up to our room overlooking the ocean, where we stayed for the night. The next day we headed off for the bright blue ocean and white sands of Mauritius.

 

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