The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 67
Ninjas

BI’s bible said that we should use our creativity to make work fun. It said that it’s more important for work to be fun than to work twice as hard. The reason, it said, was that when something is fun, one’s subconscious mind focuses on that thing, and one’s conscious mind is not easily distracted. This not only makes one more efficient at doing the job, but also makes one spend more time on it, make less excuses about doing it, and so on. It was, in my opinion, a very good idea, and I decided to keep that in mind when designing the home security department and make it fun.

As I mentioned earlier, people did multiple jobs, and so I would not only be involved in running the department, but I would also be a security guard. Using the out of the box advice to go beyond what any security company had done before, all security guards would be trained in the martial art of ninjutsu. This was to enable us to stay out of harms way in the most dangerous situations, and be able to disable criminals without them even knowing we were there. I had done a little bit of judo as a little boy, but after getting a bit tired of always being beaten by the bigger boys, decided to quit. The book said that one needs to put one’s heart into whatever one does in order to succeed, and I was very keen and excited to put my heart into learning ninjutsu.

There weren’t too many Ninjutsu senseis in Cape Town, but I did find one rather easily. I arranged for him to come into the building daily and teach us a specially tailored course where we focused on stealth. I also arranged two other courses. One was a climbing course, so that we would be able to get to places where we would be unseen, out of harm’s way and have a good view point. The other course was on using various non-lethal weapons like pepper guns and tazers. An empty room on the second floor was converted into a dojo. That really just means that I put mats down for combat training.

It began with just 6 of us doing the security training. We were all given black, ninja uniforms, with the ‘Beyond Security’ logo on them. The uniforms were designed to make us invisible at night, and intimidating during the day. In the evenings we practised outside, setting targets to get to without being seen. During the day we practised in the dojo. When we were not practising I was working with a variety of people to get the finer details of the guaranteed security contracts defined. After two weeks we were ready to begin advertising. We knew that we still needed lots of practice as security guards, and so we’d continue to train, but for now we had to get the business running.

I decided that I would start with the island that my parents lived on, and so I sent out a letter to every house on the island, which was about a hundred houses, including mine and Shelley’s houses.

The letter looked like this:


Dear Residents

Due to the high level of crime in South Africa, Beyond Insurance has taken it upon themselves to go beyond what any insurance or security company has done before by guaranteeing your safety! No security company has ever offered this before, and that means that they have no obligation to keep you safe. In fact, they thrive on crime! It’s no wonder that fifty people are murdered every day in this country.

This island has been chosen as the very first location to test our ideas. We are offering you the opportunity to be pioneers with us in a venture that we hope will grow large enough to keep the entire country safe.

Our security team are being trained in the martial art of Ninjutsu, and have professional training with various non-lethal weapons. They will be dressed in black, and look very intimidating, but don’t be afraid of them. They are here to protect you.

Contact us if you are interested in swapping your old security systems and insurance for the guarantee of your safety. We currently offer home and life protection on this scheme.

Regards,

Nathan Bauer

Head of the Beyond Security department of Beyond Insurance



Two weeks later I walked into my office after a gruelling 2 hour training session. Through my window I could see that the sun was setting. I had done enough for the day and felt like going home. I was also eager to see how the policy sales were going, so I took a quick look on my computer.

We had been contacted by 54 of the residents and sold policies to 39 of them. 39 is not many policies for an insurance company, but the fact that we sold to 39% of the people we sent letters to was beyond imagination. ‘39 down, millions to go,’ I thought to myself.

I shut down my computer and left the office. There weren’t many people around, so I thought I’d take the elevator to the second floor to see if the secret room was still locked. As I got out of the elevator I turned right and walked in the direction of the room. As I approached it, a man and a lady turned the corner at the end of the corridor and walked towards me. I stopped outside the door to the secret room and felt very uneasy about the idea of checking to see if it was locked, while people could see me, so I carried on walking and pretended as if I was heading somewhere else. The couple passed me and walked into the secret room. ‘Click.’ The door locked behind them. I went home.

 

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