Tears & Heartbreak
Author: Lacey Raine

Chapter 36
Xander

 I sat in my room, knees brought up to my chest, photo's spread out in front of me.

Every photo ever taken of me and Axel. The one of us at his uncle's party. The ones at the beach. The ones at school. The one of the London Eye...

I just sat and stared at them, sobbing my heart out. I missed him so much. Joey was sweet, but he just... wasn't Axel. God, I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and a hell of a lot more. Every fibre of my being loved Axel Smith more than anything else in the world. I took a deep breath as I batted all the pictures to one side with my arm and dropped to the floor in a foetal curl.

It wasn't fair. My mum didn't want me. I had to put up all my life with annoying social workers, knowing right from the start that I was lucky not to be totally fucked up, since my mum was a heroin addict and I was a failed abortion. My mum didn't want me. My dad didn't want me. The man I loved more than anyone else in the world didn't want me. To add insult to injury, the man who I loved more than anything else in the world wanted somebody else. Somebody he knew I didn't get along with. He didn't even have the courtesy to break up with me before he started seeing the one he loved more than me. He had to stay with me, let me find out, break my heart...

I sobbed louder. It wasn't fair. Axel proposed. He wanted to marry me. Or at least, so he said. Maybe he was just fucking with me the whole time. Maybe he never really loved me at all. Maybe he was just wating for the One to come along and I was just filling the time until that happened. Maybe he thought he'd never find the right person, and that's why he proposed. I couldn't go on without Axel. I didn't want to live another day without my baby...

I sat up, sniffing. I walked with shaky legs to my desk and sat on the plastic chair. I grabbed the stack of stationary and a pen and started to write.

I wrote a letter to everyone. One for Stevie. One for Carrie. One for Jess. One for Damon. One for Paulie. One for Axel. One for Hillary. Even one for Jasper. Everyone who had to know that this was my decision, and it wasn't their fault I'd made it. Everyone who needed to know why I did this, what was the purpose behind it. I put the letters into envelopes and sealed them. I carried the stack downstairs to the hall and put them on the table, arranging them so that the names were clear on each envelope. I listened out, but there was only silence. I was in the house alone; Stevie was out with her friends. Paulie was with a sitter. Jess was at a party. Carrie as at a sleepover. Damon was at Heidi's. I was alone. That was good. Nobody was here to stop me from doing what I was about to do.

I stepped out of the front door and ran until I was well away from the house. I stopped when I reached the other side of town, thinking where was best to do this. The main road? It would be easy to just step out in front of a car... but there'd be witnesses there. I didn't know whether or not I could make that look like an accident. I could go down to the station, get on a train then jump off it while it was moving... but if the jump didn't kill me, then being crushed by a train was too painful a way to go. And then it hit me.

The woods. There was a river that ran through the woods with a bridge over it. The bridge had a low wall, and was beside the worn, slippery, rocky surface of the bridge floor. It would be easy enough to pass off as an accident; a seemingly content sixteen year old boy, with an awesome best friend and a family to die for. Innocently taking a walk in the woods of a night, trying to clear his head, maybe trying to figure out a question on his homework, or looking for a nice way to beat exam stress. Stops at the bridge, leans on the side to look over at the water. Leans a little bit too far over and looses his footing. Falls off the bridge down the sixty foot drop and breaks his neck. Died almost instantly. No pain felt. Poor sod. Tragic accident. It was the simplest of plans... I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier.

Deciding that it was probably the best way, I got to my feet, shook off my nerves, and made my way towards the woods.

 

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