The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 49

It was 2012, and our first son, Alexander Bauer, was born. He was born in the safest, happiest, cleanest, wealthiest country in the world, Zimbabwe. What more could you wish for your first son? I just hoped that he wouldn’t grow up to be too much of a snob, which is partly the reason why we chose his name, which means ‘Defending men’, so that he would always be reminded of what one should use one’s power for. In the same way, it was a reminder to me, because I wasn’t doing so well. I was proud of what I had done for Zimbabwe, and was not very interested in people who criticized what we had done. Yes, people were criticizing me, but they were right. In the archaic system in which our world existed in 2012, there had to be winners and losers. The rich would become richer, and the poor would starve. I hadn’t really done any good. I had simply shifted poverty to the rest of the world.

People soon forgot how much the Zimbabweans used to suffer, and became angry with them. Zimbabweans were regarded as lazy snobs, because they no longer needed to work, and did nothing for the countries surrounding them. Zimbabwe became the new target for terrorist threats, and, in April, 2012, a group of terrorists destroyed a large portion of The Sunflower Hotel in Harare. The world was becoming a violent, dangerous, pollution filled, poverty stricken mess, and I suppose it was partially my fault for focusing on solving one country’s problems rather than the whole world’s.

Once again, I had a chat with Einstein. There was a simple solution: All I had to do was tell Einstein what I wanted, and he would fix everything.

I gave a list of requirements to Einstein, and asked him to freeze me and wake me up in a year. Kirsty, Alexander, Raymond, Melissa, and a few other friends and family members joined us on our trip in time.

Einstein no longer had just a factory to run. He had an entire country to control, and an entire world to fix. He started by isolating Zimbabwe from the rest of the world. Nothing was allowed to be exported or imported, and, by doing so, Zimbabwe became entirely self-sufficient. It also prevented Zimbabwe from having to compete with the rest of the world, and so the rest of the world’s economy was able to improve. Einstein’s next move was to remove the concept of economy from Zimbabwe. Along with it, he removed the concept of ownership. Everyone was assigned a home, and whenever someone wanted something, they would be able to order it, for free. At the same time, Zimbabwe had started building robots, nano-bots, intelligent cars, cures for cancer, and many other exciting and useful devices.

On the 12th of June, 2012, it was time to spread the prosperity to the rest of the world. Using a similar approach to what we used to replace Robert with Bob, teams of robots were activated throughout Africa, and before the sun had set, the whole of Africa had been taken over. Nearly a month later, on the 10th of July most of the remaining third world countries were taken over. When I asked Einstein about this later, he told me that security was tighter in most first world countries, and so they had decided to wait until they had better technology. This caused a big problem for the first world countries. The countries which used to have the biggest economies were quickly finding themselves unable to find cheap labour. The countries which were run by the robots started producing products which the rest of the world found very appealing, and it wasn’t long before the US dollar, the Great British pound, and the Euro were worth less than the paper that they were printed on. The USA was thrown into chaos, and in order to try and survive, they threatened war on Zimbabwe, the source of their trouble.

But Zimbabwe did not have a leader. No-one knew who the president was, because for the last year, the country had simply been run by a system. To solve the problem, Einstein sent some robots to America to infiltrate various targets. They caused so much confusion that the government stopped working altogether. The USA was in an even worse state than it had been before.

In May, 2013, we were defrosted. The world had been completely taken over. The USA was recovering well, but that was after about 35 million people had died of starvation. It was my intention to do good, and by doing so, I had committed one of the worst crimes ever. On the other hand, and according to Einstein’s estimations, if I had done nothing, about a billion people would have died of starvation over the next century, of which 35 million would have died in the next four years. This news did make me feel quite good about what we had accomplished. No-one was starving now. The world was on its way to Utopia.


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