The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 48
Robert, the Eskimo

Robert woke up the next day. He was chained to a bed in an empty room in my house in Zimbabwe. One of the robots went in to have a chat with him. I felt that it was the right thing to do, to at least explain our plan to Robert Mugabe. He was not impressed, and would not co-operate. We had hoped to get lots of information out of him, which would enable us to upload it to Bob, so that he could fit in a bit better, but it wasn’t working. We fed Robert, and tranquillized him again, because he was complaining so much that it drove me a bit nuts. We were also a bit worried that someone would hear all the noises coming from our house. Edison warned me that tranquillizing him too much would be bad for him, and so it was great timing that the factory had recently completed the invention of a new piece of technology that would change the world. We called it ‘The Igloo’.

It took only five days for the factory to ship the Igloo up to Zimbabwe. Robots in the factory had started working on it a long time ago, but had only completed the technology recently. It probably cost a few cancer patients their lives for us to complete it, but morality had become strangely mixed up since I invented the cure for cancer. If you think about it, the more cancer patients I would cure, the more people there would be on Earth, and there would therefore be more unemployed people and possibly even more starving people. Of course, when it’s someone you know, it’s different. At that point my focus was on Zimbabwe, and it was Einstein’s job to supply the world with cancer cures.

The Igloo, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, freezes a person, so that they will be unconscious and their ageing process will stop until you press the ‘wake up’ button, or until a specified amount of time has passed. It’s pretty similar to travelling forwards in time, because when you come out you feel as if it was only moments ago that you were frozen. Robert Mugabe made history that day, by becoming the world’s first time traveller. After the problems in Zimbabwe would be sorted out, we’d consider waking him up.

Bob was a genius. He started by computerizing the running of the country. He did this by hiring some of my robots as programmers, making it seem that it was just an ordinary software project. The software they wrote was something that a normal human team could have written in about a century. The robot team had it ready in a few days. Every single aspect of running the country was controlled by the system. Emails and websites were generated to communicate between departments which had computers. An automatic posting system was built to send letters to anyone that needed to be contacted. Whenever something needed to be done, a letter or email was sent to them, and, when the job was done, their bank account would be automatically credited. That way, the system could do anything.

The system then started setting up businesses. People would receive job offers, arrive at work and a set of instructions would be handed, emailed, or told to them. It was a bit like a crime syndicate, where no-one really knew who they were working for, but as long as they got paid, it didn’t matter. Zimbabwe started producing many new products. After one month Bob reported to me that the country had already invented over a thousand new products.

After two months, no-one that wanted to be employed was unemployed.

The country kept improving exponentially until a year later, when the businesses were fully automated, and no-one in Zimbabwe needed to work any more. Everyone received a regular income, and were allowed to do whatever they wanted. The government was disbanded and the computer system ran the country. A computer system, which, if necessary, could be controlled by me. We took Robert back to his home, where he woke up in his own bed.

 

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