The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 43
The scam

Being 31 is not that bad. With all the toys that were being built in the factory, every day I felt like a little boy at Christmas. I had even requested that the robots build me a flying car. I had started using Einstein’s anti-ageing products and it seemed as if my real age didn’t really matter any more. With great power comes great responsibility, but with great power comes a lot of fun things to distract me from any kind of responsibility.

On the 12th of May, 2009, I received a message on my phone, ‘Congratulations, you have won a mountain bike! Send “WIN” to 51515 to accept your prize.’ Not being able to come up with any reason that I would have entered a competition to win a mountain bike, I realized rather quickly that this was just a scam, and the little boy inside of me decided that it was time to have some fun.

I went down to the Factory to consult with Einstein. ‘Is there a way to find out who sent this message?’ I asked Einstein.

‘Give me the phone for a few hours, and I’ll dig up some information for you,’ Einstein replied.

Two hours later I received an email from Einstein. He had sent quite a lot of information; The business name, address and phone numbers, the business owner’s name, email addresses, home phone number, personal bank account number, wife’s name, children’s names, high school, date of birth, hobbies, interests, friends, distant relatives, and the list went on, and on.

I called Raymond. ‘Want to have some fun with a scammer?’ I asked.

‘Oh, yes!’ Raymond replied, ‘We owe it to everyone who’s ever been scammed to teach these ****ers a lesson!’ Raymond had had quite a lot of messages from scammers in the past, so he found them to be rather annoying. I had been lucky not to have had too many people try to scam me; not that it really mattered if I lost a few hundred rand.

We had quite a stash of alien robots from making the movie, and it was time to put them to good use. My scammer was about to find out just how scary it is to be abducted by aliens!

A lot of preparation went into getting ready for the abduction, but we were too excited to stop and carried on until 5am the next morning, before we finally took a break and decided to get some sleep.

We had a stage set up to look like the inside of a UFO. In order to find out what alien abductions are supposedly like we looked at a few Youtube videos. A typical alien abduction goes something like this: A bright light follows you, and you find yourself unable to move. You’re transported to a table where aliens with big, scary eyes stick a long needle up your nose into your brain. We thought this could be a fun experience for our new friend, and scammer, Bill Jones, but decided to add a bit of creativity to make it even more interesting.

After waking up at about noon, we gathered two rather normal looking robots to do some reconnaissance. We briefed them and sent them on their way. While they were out we spent some time in the factory where some of the robots were working on building the devices that we needed: tranquillizer ray guns and various alien surgical devices. The recon team came back that evening with all sorts of information on Bill’s home, access points, alarm system, photos of him, maps and even some information about his neighbours and their pets.

At midnight, Raymond and I set off in the Batmobile, with 10 aliens piled onto the back seat, and a empty trunk for our abductee. The car’s number plates had been removed, and we were both wearing the new energy transfer suits which covered our entire bodies and heads. Half an hour later we had arrived at Bill’s.

We stopped outside the house. All was quiet, and dark, except for a few street lights, and a couple of houses that still had lights on. My heart started pounding under my suit. I knew that this was probably not the most intelligent thing I’d ever done, but it was the most exciting evening of the year so far. We looked around for signs of anyone else, and not seeing anyone, told the aliens to do their thing. They hopped out and walked towards the home.

A bright light suddenly appeared. A car had turned into the road. The aliens ran into the yard to avoid being seen. My car had tinted windows, so at least we were out of sight. The car drove by, and I let out a sigh, my heart beating even harder. ‘You okay, man?’ Raymond asked.

‘Yes, I’m fine; a bit scared, but I’m okay,’ I replied.

The aliens cut a hole in a window and entered quietly. According to the intelligence gathered, Bill lived with his brother and a friend, and they each had their own room. The plan was simple, the aliens would enter the house, tranquillize all the inhabitants, excluding Bill, without being seen. After that, they were to go into Bill’s room and wake him up. By ‘wake him up’, I mean in the scariest possible way, so that when he wakes up he finds himself looking straight into the eyes of an alien. The next thing they had to do was to tranquillize him, tie him up and carry him to the car.

He screamed. It was no longer a quiet night. Two more lights switched on in nearby houses. I switched on the car’s engine and my foot was shaking above the accelerator. ‘Hurry up aliens,’ Raymond whispered nervously.

The door of the house opened, and 10 little aliens scurried out carrying the tied up man. The front door of the house across the road also opened and a man walked out.

‘ZAP!’

Before the man could register what was happening, he had been tranquillized about 3 times. The aliens opened the trunk and shoved Bill inside. When everyone was in the car, we sped off.

We arrived home much quicker than we had left. It had only taken us 10 minutes to get home. When we got home I had to have a bubble bath and hot chocolate to calm my nerves. The aliens carried Bill into the UFO set and strapped him to the table in the middle of the room. When we were ready, Raymond and I put on the suits, so that we would not be recognizable as humans, and joined Bill and the aliens.

The table was specially modified for Bill. There were two holes for his feet to go through, so that he would be lying on his back, with his knees bent and everything from his knees to his feet went through the holes and under the table. We put a blanket over his knees and placed some artificial feet at the end of the bed where his feet would have been had they been straight. The idea was for him to believe that the artificial feet were his own. One of the toes was missing from an artificial foot, but that didn’t matter, it would give him a nice surprise. We strapped his real feet in place and injected a muscle relaxant into his legs.

A bucket of water was splashed onto his face. He woke up screaming, and was immediately injected with a placebo, pretending that it was something to calm him down. ‘No, no, no!’ he kept shouting, as two aliens pretended to be cutting away pieces of his feet and analysing them. ‘Why are you doing this to me? Stop! Stop! Please!’ He fainted.

We gave him 5 minutes to rest and then woke him up with another bucket of water. This time one of the aliens had a big needle pointed at his face. ‘What?’ he shouted, but in his drowsy state he couldn’t get the rest of the sentence out. He fainted again.

Another 5 minutes later we woke him up again. There was a white cloth over the artificial feet, but it had large, red stains. ‘What have you done to my feet?’ he shouted desperately.

I looked at him and asked, ‘What do you do?’

He ignored my question and shouted again, ‘What have you done to my feet?’

I signalled to the alien to bring the syringe. The alien proceeded to put the syringe up his nostril. The man froze. I signalled to the alien to hold it there, and, moving closer I asked, ‘What do you do?’

The man did not speak. He was completely terrified. I told him quietly, ‘We are going to inject something into your brain. It will send us the information we need to know.’ I then shot him with a tranquillizer

We untied him and turned him over. One of the robots came in to draw a tattoo on his back. The tattoo read, ‘I scam people. Don’t trust me.’

Raymond and I were both quite tired at that point, so I sent one of the robots to drive the man to about a kilometre from where he lived. We kept his shirt so that people could see the writing on his back as he walked home.

We took the stairs up to the top of the north tower to relax for a bit, while looking at the stars. ‘Do you think there’s life out there?’ Raymond asked me.

‘I have no idea, but I can see why some would believe there is.’

We had a good laugh, and smiled, happy that we had brought some justice to someone who needed it.

‘I’ve just realized,’ Raymond pointed out, ‘that he cannot even report any of this.’

‘Why’s that?’ I asked.

‘He can’t tell anyone about what we did to his feet, because they’re perfectly fine, and he cannot report the needle in the brain, because we didn’t inject anything into it, and he cannot report the tattoo, because he won’t want people to know what it says.’

‘Good point,’ I replied, not wanting to make him feel bad for taking so long to realize it. ‘Do you feel a little bit guilty about what we did?’ I asked.

‘A little,’ he replied.

‘Me too. Just a little.’

 

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