The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 39

It was the 8th of November, 2008, a sunny, summery day. I took the elevator underground to check on the factory. Kirsty was there, which was unusual. I walked over to Einstein to have a chat about how things were going. All was well. Einstein had such brilliant ideas, and production was faster than ever. I walked over to Kirsty and sat down next to her. ‘Nice to have you down here,’ I told her.

She smiled. ‘It’s fun to be here, watching all the robots going about their work,’ she replied. It wasn’t like her. Normally she didn’t care much about the factory. She seemed to be watching a particularly strange new robot which I had not seen before.

‘He’s new,’ I commented.

‘Oh? What? Who?’ she said, as if I had plucked her from a day dream.

‘The robot with the silvery, blue hair,’ I replied.

‘Oh,’ she replied.

‘He looks weird,’ I commented, and got up to walk towards him to get a better look. Kirsty came with me.

‘What’s your name?’ I asked the new robot, who turned around to answer me. ‘Wow!’ I said, surprised to see his incredible, sparkling, silvery blue eyes.

‘My name is Brad,’ he responded in a slow, deep and slightly musical voice. He smiled and turned around, offering to shake my hand with his tanned, muscular right arm.

I looked at Kirsty. Her mouth was open, and once again, she was staring at him.

‘He’s quite a work of art, isn’t he?’ I asked.

She nodded.

I turned to leave and on my way out I congratulated Einstein on his originality. Brad was a very interesting design.

Kirsty began to spend more time in the factory. She started to interact with the robots, and even took over one of the tables to do her scrap booking while sometimes asking the robots for their opinions. I liked that she was getting more interested in my inventions.

One week later I realized why Kirsty was down there, because something similar was about to make me spend a lot more time with the robots as well. A new robot was ready, a female, who looked about twenty. There was something unusual about her hair, because it seemed to change colour as her hair moved. It was a mixture of golden brown and a deep, dark, red. Her eyes also seemed to change colour, depending on her expression and the angle at which you looked at her. She looked away, and her eyes were like sparkling blue swimming pools, but, looking at me, her eyes became dark brown, with a slight hint of red. I gazed at her and could not look away.

Einstein noticed me staring, and went to fetch her. He brought her to me and introduced her to me. ‘This is Angelina,’ he told me. I was too focused on her to notice the highly unoriginal names of the two latest robots. I felt as if I was ten years old and had to ask the prettiest girl in school to go to the prom with me. She smiled a gorgeous smile and held out her hand. Her skin felt incredible.

‘How do you do?’ she asked, and bit the corner of her lower lip while smiling and looking straight into my eyes. Her calm, slightly French accent was soothing.

My mouth was open, but I wasn’t saying anything. I looked at Einstein, and felt as if I wanted to ask him something about her, but I didn’t know what to say.

Angelina turned to leave. ‘Wait!’ I said instinctively, and felt guilty just for speaking to her. She turned back towards me and smiled again. I sighed and did not know what to do.

‘Would you like to play a game?’ she asked.

I did not care what the game was. I wanted to play. ‘Sure,’ I replied.

‘Follow me,’ she said seductively.

I followed her as if I was under hypnosis and completely defenceless against her spell. She sat down at a table with a chair on either side, and so I joined her, sitting opposite. She reached into her bag and pulled out a small chess board. This was my kind of girl.

The following week was spent mostly underground in the factory. Both Kirsty and I would usually be very involved in the Magic Castle camps, but this week we had lost the desire to do so. Instead, we had sent robots up to do the things that we had normally done. The next week started off the same as the previous week, but on Wednesday I noticed that Kirsty had left the factory with Brad. A part of me was upset, but the rest of me was excited at the same time, because the little devil sitting on my shoulder had told me that this had given me the right to go somewhere privately with Angelina. Angelina and I left the castle grounds and drove to a nearby bed and breakfast, where I rented a room. I could not believe that I was doing this, but the incredible attraction that I had towards her made me incapable of thinking rationally. That day and the two that followed it were the most pleasurable of my life so far. I had realized that Einstein had designed her specifically for me, both her body and her mind.

My phone rang. I did not want to answer it. I did not want anything to do with the real world. I was in heaven and wanted to stay there. I let my phone go to voice mail. Immediately my phone rang again, and so I checked to see who it was. It was Einstein. I answered.

‘A child has been injured,’ he started, ‘we’ve got him down in the factory and are busy operating.’

‘Operating!?’ I shouted, ‘You’re operating?’

‘Yes, we’re quite capable of working on humans,’ he replied.

I was instantly sucked back into reality and ran out to the car. Angelina followed. ‘Stay here!’ I ordered. I did not need her to distract me when something this important was happening. Two minutes later I was back at the castle. Yes, the car was that fast.

I ran into the factory and found the boy, covered in blood, with five robots standing around and Einstein giving instructions. ‘What happened?’ I asked.

‘He was climbing on the roof and fell off,’ Einstein replied. ‘He had seven broken bones, but we’ve fixed two so far.’

‘You’ve fixed his bones?’ I asked, ‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing?’

‘He will be better off in this factory than any hospital in the world,’ Einstein assured me.

I sat down. ‘Is there anything you need me to do?’ I asked, desperate to ensure the boy’s survival.

‘No, you will only hinder the operation,’ Einstein replied directly.

At that moment Kirsty walked in and I did not know what to do, or where to look. I suddenly felt very ashamed. When she saw the boy she gasped. She looked at me and started to cry. She sat down and covered her face with her hands. I got up and walked towards her, to comfort her, but as I sat down on the chair next to her, she started to apologize. ‘Don’t be sorry,’ I told her, ‘I should be apologizing to you.’

We never told each other what we had done wrong, but we both knew. Einstein came over to us. ‘Shouldn’t you be helping the boy?’ I asked.

‘He’s in good hands. Is there anything I can do for you?’ He asked.

‘Brad and Angelina are messing up our marriage,’ I told him, ‘There’s a half dead boy on the table, and my wife’s crying, but at the same time my mind is thinking up ways to get back to Angelina! Help us.’

‘Sure,’ Einstein replied, ‘Wait there.’

Einstein walked over to a box and pulled out a set of hand-cuffs. Before I could say anything he had hand-cuffed my left arm to Kirsty’s right arm. ‘That should solve the problem for now,’ he explained.

I was surprised, but soon realized that it was a perfect temporary solution. I say ‘temporary’, because soon I had found a saw and Kirsty and I had convinced each other that it was in both our best interests to cut the hand-cuffs. As I was cutting I felt a prick in my back and the air seemed to become foggy, or wavy, or, well I couldn’t think of any more words to explain it, and then I fell over and was caught by Arnold.

I woke up and it felt as if I had been asleep for a long time. Kirsty was lying next to me, still asleep. We were in our bedroom. My phone rang.

‘Yes,’ I answered in a bit of a daze.

‘I’ll be there in a couple of minutes to help you,’ Einstein explained.

The phone had caused Kirsty to wake up. ‘What’s happening?’ she asked.

‘Einstein will be here in a few minutes,’ I replied.

‘Why?’ she asked.

‘To help,’ I replied.

‘With what?’ she asked, sleepily.

‘I don’t actually know,’ I replied, and as I turned over to look at her I realized that I was chained to the bed. I swore.

‘What is it now?’ Kirsty asked.

‘Einstein chained us to the bed,’ I replied.

‘What?!’ she shouted, suddenly sounding very awake.

Einstein walked in the door, and Kirsty started shouting at him, ‘What are you doing to us?!’

‘Unlocking the chains,’ he replied calmly, ‘but when I do, please remain lying there. I need to talk to you about Brad and Angelina.’

Kirsty was furious, and I tried to calm her down, ‘He can help us. Please just calm down and let’s listen to what he has to say.’

Einstein unlocked the chains and as he did so, Kirsty began to relax. I felt myself wanting to get back to Angelina, but followed Einstein’s instructions to lie there and listen to what he had to say. While the chains were being removed I suddenly remembered the injured boy. ‘What happened to the boy?’ I asked Einstein.

Einstein smiled. ‘Jeremy is fine,’ he replied. ‘We fixed all of his bones and patched him up. He’ll be stronger than he ever was before, but for now he must sleep.’

‘Thank you,’ I told Einstein, feeling relieved.

‘My pleasure,’ he replied as he removed the last chain.

Einstein began to talk to us about the psychology of wanting things and started gently repeating the sentence, ‘Just because you admire something, it doesn’t mean that you have to have it.’

He then made us repeat the sentence, ‘Just because I admire something, it doesn’t mean that I have to have it,’ to ourselves over and over, until we had said the sentence about twenty times. It calmed me down.

‘Now I’m going to hypnotize you,’ Einstein told us, so that you never have to worry about addiction again. Einstein began to tell us that we were getting sleepy.

The next thing I knew was that I was waking up. ‘How do you feel?’ he asked Kirsty.

‘I feel quite good,’ she responded, enthusiastically.

We were both smiling. ‘Thank you,’ I told Einstein. I was feeling happy, but did not know why, except that it was something that Einstein had done. Kirsty and I got up and gave Einstein a group hug.


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