The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 33
The witch

While the building was going on, I still lived in Plumstead. My next door neighbour was a strange lady. About every second month she would yell at her husband at the top of her voice. The yelling consisted mostly of words which are not used in civilized conversation. Not only was it the worst sound that a woman could make, but it was usually at about two o’clock in the morning and usually lasted for about an hour. I tried phoning the police a few times, but eventually they told me that they’re not going to bother any more because they were scared of her dog. I don’t know if she had been drinking, or taking drugs, but whatever was going on had to stop. All of the neighbours had complained, but none of them had managed to get her to change. I, unfortunately, was a soft natured person and didn’t have the guts to interfere, especially after the day that I saw her husband cleaning his shotgun in the back yard. When talking about her I sometimes referred to her as ‘the witch’, because of the freakish yelling sound that she would make that sent chills down my spine. I decided to sell my house in Plumstead, but I felt that it would be unfair to sell it without telling the new owner about the freak that lived next door. There was, however, one thing that I could do before leaving to sober her up a little bit without actually interfering myself. I could send in some magical creatures to freak her out instead.

The Hagrid-like, half-giant, robot was looking very impressive. The robots had made him bigger than the version that you see in the movies and he was taking up quite a lot of space. To give you an idea of exactly how big he was, I was six foot, and he was twelve! That’s a metre taller than the world’s tallest man. He was also quite fat, allowing the robots plenty of space to put extra batteries, giving him about as much strength that a large, muscular human would have.

On Monday, the 10th of April, at 2am the witch began to yell, but this time I was ready. First I sent some creepy spider robots to visit her. The new spider robots that had been built were really impressive. They were made in different sizes, and looked exactly the same as real tarantulas. They varied in size from 8 cm to one foot, if measured from the tip of one leg to the tip of the opposite leg, which is the size of the largest real tarantulas. They had the ability to climb up walls, and they could transmit audio and video signals so that one could watch what they were looking at. The ten spiders climbed into an open window and crawled in until they were all transmitting videos of the action taking place in the house next door.

I was at home and watching each spider on a separate monitor. The witch’s husband was sitting on the bed. He was holding his hands over his ears while his wife yelled at him. Occasionally she would smack him with her open hand and he would just try to block it. It looked like he would have loved to be rescued.

I had a radio control for Hagrid, and I sent him in. Since it was so late at night I hoped that no-one would be watching, except me. I was becoming a bit nervous and wondering what would happen if they found out that it was me, but I proceeded with my plan anyway. Hagrid’s large head peered over the neighbour’s gate. Their dog ran to the gate and started barking frantically. A very large steak that Hagrid had with him sorted out that problem.

The doorbell was located next to the electric gate on the high, perimeter wall. Hagrid bent down and pushed the doorbell and, as expected, it didn’t make any difference. The witch never even seemed to notice. I sent a spider to a room at the front of the house, where I found the button to open the gate. The spider crawled up the wall and nudged the button with it’s head. The gate creaked open, and Hagrid walked into the property and towards the front door.

Hagrid knocked on the door. The witch and her husband didn’t seem to notice because she was yelling so loudly. He knocked again, louder. The witch stopped. ‘What was that?’ She looked in the direction of the front door. Hagrid knocked again.

‘It’s the police,’ the man said softly.

‘Go away!’ the witch started screaming, while facing in the direction of the door.

Hagrid knocked again. There was silence for a few seconds, and Hagrid spoke in a loud, deep voice, ‘It’s not the police!’

‘Did he hear me?’ the husband whispered. ‘He couldn’t have heard me.’

‘Go away!’ the witch screamed again.

‘I can hear everything!’ Hagrid shouted in a booming voice that I would have heard quite clearly from next door even if it had not been transmitted back to my house by radio signals.

The witch and her husband looked terrified. Hagrid knocked on the door again.

‘Who is it?’ the man shouted. His wife had become quiet.

‘Death!’ Hagrid replied. ‘Your wife has woken the dead with her screams!’

To add to the effect, the spiders, who were scattered around the room, but had not yet been seen, started making creepy noises. The two people jumped onto the bed. The witch was screaming.

‘Be quiet!’ Hagrid shouted, and surprisingly the lady became quiet. She remained quiet for a whole minute, and so I ordered the spiders to stop making the noises and return home.

Hagrid turned around and realised that neighbours had come out into the road to take a look at him. This was bad. I did not want anyone to know that he had anything to do with me, so I sent him to go for a walk and find somewhere to hide until I could arrange for a van to pick him up.

The witch was quiet. Unfortunately I still could not sleep. Only, this time, it was because I was so excited. I lay in bed thinking about what other interesting characters I could build and the kinds of mischief I could use them for.


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