The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 31
The surprise

It was raining and cold. I took the Golf to fetch Kirsty, because I have a rule not to use my fancy cars unless I am in disguise. I had the heater on in the car, so it was nice and toasty. I arrived at Kirsty’s house and ran to the front door. In the few seconds that I spent in the rain I was already quite wet. I rang the doorbell and Kirsty answered the door immediately. ‘We’ll have to run if we want to stay reasonably dry,’ I told her. We ran to the car door and as luck would have it the central locking was not working very well. I pushed the button a few times before it opened, and by the time we got into the car we were soaked.

‘Your car is nice and warm,’ Kirsty told me, ‘I hope the place we’re going to is warm.’

In my head I was thinking, ‘I can keep you warm’, but I didn’t say it. I felt unsure about what would be acceptable to say to someone whose boyfriend had died recently. I drove to Constantia; to John’s house. I was fortunate enough to have a remote controlled garage, large enough to fit one more car next to the sports cars, so we didn’t have to get wet on the way in.

‘Oh, wow, look at those cars! Whose house is this?’ Kirsty asked.

I smiled.

‘Oh my hat! It’s huge!’ she continued, ‘Do you live here by yourself?’

‘Raymond camps here occasionally, but most of the time it’s just me,’ I explained, ‘but I usually stay in my Plumstead house.’

‘You have two houses and two sports cars!’ she exclaimed, ‘How rich are you? Did you win the lottery or something?’

‘Raymond and I are the only people who know exactly what it is that I did to get this rich,’ I started to explain.

‘You probably hacked into a bank,’ she said jokingly.

‘No,’ I replied in a serious tone. ‘Ever heard of a company called Impossible Technology?’ I asked.

‘Of course! I have some of their computer games. Of course! That makes sense! You’re a programmer! It’s so obvious now that I think about it! You must have such a cool time working on those games.’

‘I do a little bit more than working on games,’ I explained, ‘I actually own IT.’

She started to laugh. ‘Yeah, right, and I’m the queen of England! Impossible Technology is owned by John Connor.’

I removed my passport from my pocket and handed it to her.

‘Oh, my word!’ Kirsty looked at the picture in the passport, then at me, and then back at the passport. ‘Oh, my word.’

And once again it was like the day when I told Raymond my secrets, except that this time it was even better.

It was a perfect day. I made hot chocolate and showed her some music videos that I had made and photos from the last few years. I let her listen to some of the songs that my band had recorded. Eventually I told her all about the robots.

‘What are you going to do next?’ she asked.

‘What would you do with a hundred million rand?’ I replied.

She was quiet for a little while, pondering away, and then said, ‘I would build a castle like Hogwarts. I would hire people to dress up as witches and wizards and then teach magic to children.’

I smiled. ‘That’s a very cool idea,’ I said. ‘You say it like you’ve been thinking about it for a while.’

‘I’m a big fan of Harry Potter,’ she replied.

Just when I thought everything was going perfectly Kirsty suddenly looked down and started to cry. ‘You know what I would really want to do with a hundred million rand?’

‘What’s that?’ I asked.

‘I would buy a nuclear bomb and stick it in Bin Laden’s ...’

I put my arm around her. ‘I’m sorry about Patrick,’ I said, ‘I’ll sort them out for you. One day I will have the technology to put nuclear bombs in their sleeping bags without them noticing.’

In a way I was serious. I did intend to put an end to terrorism. My technology was advancing so quickly that soon anything would be possible.


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