The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 11
Fixing the world


Two days later Jack, one of our neighbours, organized a meeting to discuss security, as there had also been a number of break-ins into cars and houses in our area and something had to be done to protect the neighbourhood. It was a well organized meeting, and about thirty neighbours had come to find a solution to the problem.

Looking around the room I could see a lot of unhappy, fearful faces. Each face had a story to tell. Each person was desperate to hold on to that which they loved; their possessions, their lives and their families. Some were sad about what they had already lost, and others were angry about what they might lose.

‘What I want to know,‘ said an elderly neighbour, ‘is why we’re paying two hundred rand every month to a security company and still getting robbed and murdered!’

After a few responses from the group, Jack stood up and spoke in a calm voice, ‘The problem with security companies is that they make money from crime. If there is no crime then there is no need for a security company. It is in their best interest to stay safely out of the way of the criminals and allow the crime to continue.’

It was true. I always believed that there was a solution to every problem and decided to attempt to figure out a system in which a security company would profit from keeping people safe, rather than from allowing crime to increase.

The interesting thing about what Jack said is that 7 years later there would be a 3 month security strike across the country. The security guards that wouldn’t strike would be threatened with their lives and some would be killed. During the strike the guards would march to parliament, smashing car windows, throwing rocks through windows and looting shops. These are the people who are supposed to be protecting other people. Humans are just plain stupid sometimes.

Over the weekend I took some time to brainstorm a few ideas. I came up with the idea that if a security company were to sell household and life insurance, they would basically be guaranteeing their services. It could benefit both the insurance and security industries, and the people who wish to be safe, at the same time.

No idea is worth anything if no-one hears it, so I typed up my idea and e-mailed it to a few security companies and insurance companies. The responses I got were pretty standard, something like, ‘Thank you for your suggestion. I have forwarded it to (insert random department name here).’ That was all I received, a bit better than the non-existent reply from Shelley. One thing that I’ve learned is that one has to pursue things in order to get them to really work. I can’t expect much from just e-mailing it out; I have to really nag in order to get people to do things. You may think that companies would treat ideas like gold and even have special teams trained to come up with ideas and pursue them in order to be the best, most innovative company, but it was not so. I would have to keep trying.

On the Monday I received an e-mail from Andrew:

Hi Bau-peep!

How are your sheep?

I’ve started my own website. It’s at, basically a humorous newsletter, poking fun at current events. Let me know if you’d like to receive the lighter side of the news on a monthly basis.

Sorry about your neighbours. Hopefully my website will cheer you up!

Bleat, bleat,


President and part time fish Analyser

Cootleberry Corporation

Andrew was right. It’s pointless living with sadness, pain, frustration and anger about bad things, even when they are really bad. I typed in the website address that Andrew had said and had a look at his first article:

Police Baffled by Murder Mystery

We all know about the terrible tragedy that happened in Cape Town recently, where an angry housewife killed her entire family after they complained about her bad cooking. Our favourite reporter, Mr. Van Wyk, interviewed the chief of police, Chief Maserati to find out what he would be doing about the crime.

‘Do you have any leads, Chief Maserati?’ Van Wyk asked.

‘We have 5 police dogs, and all of them have leads,’ was the reply from the chief, ‘Two of our dogs have long leads, and one even has one of those leads that retract, like a tape measure. The other two are poodles, and because poodles are not very fast, they don’t need such long leads.’

‘Tell me about what you will do if you catch the criminal.’

‘Well, I think we are all criminals, because we all do something wrong at least once or twice in our lives. I mean, who has not in their life ever stolen a few car radios? It’s all really about if you are a reported criminal or not.’

‘Yes, but tell me, what will you do with the reported criminal?’

‘We are not allowed to use the electric chair any more, because the people in government are worried that they will be reported on their criminal activities, so the penalty for murder at the moment is 5 years in jail or a 250 rand fine. Personally I think that the electric chair was too harsh and that if we have to kill someone we should go back to rather using the electric blanket, but I don’t think it is right to kill criminals.’

‘Do you not think that a murderer deserves to be put to death?’

‘Sorry, excuse me for a moment; I want to ask my mommy something,’ Chief Maserati replied and dialled a phone number, ‘Mommy! Why should murderers not be put to death? … Nothing, it’s not me… Okay, thank you. I love you too! Bye,’ and put his phone away. ‘My mommy asked me what I have done this time, and then said that a murderer also has a mommy and it’s not fair to make her sad for a crime that her little boy did.’

‘Thank you for your time, chief.’

‘I did not do any time.’


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