The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 7

The rest of my school years consisted of much of the same thing. Every year I got certificates for Mathematics and the fear of Ruth remained constant. By the time I was 15 I started to get acne and at 16 it had covered as much of my face as was possible. I also had the thickest glasses I had ever seen, so I used to wear an old pair of glasses which weren’t so thick and just pretend to be able to see properly, while sneaking on my new glasses whenever it was very important for me to be able to see something in the distance.

It was the worst few years of my life. I hated school, my acne and my glasses. The thing about pain is that it really drives you to do something about it. I would have done just about anything to have a clear face and a girlfriend. I tried everything including face washes, pills, exercise, diet and I even tried steaming my face. None of it worked. I believed that the only hope I might have would be to live a very good life and perhaps God would have pity on me and give me a girlfriend. It was my troubled teenage years and my fear of hell that drove me to becoming even more religious. I read through my bible from cover to cover, twice and became the youth leader and Sunday school teacher at my church.

I also became very determined in other things. In my last year at school I felt like proving to myself that I could write a 3D graphics program which was as fast as the 3D games that were becoming popular at the time. After about 6 months of working on it most evenings, my 3D program was completely optimized.

I pressed pause. Nathan’s troubles had moulded him into the determined person that I wanted him to become, but I am not evil and I had put Nathan Bauer through enough pain. It was time to make some changes.

‘Let Nathan get contact lenses’, I requested while holding the voice command button. ‘Let Nathan’s hair become manageable, make his acne clear up, give him a little bit more co-ordination and make him buy an electric guitar.’

In a few weeks Nathan had changed so much, that he was almost cool, and ready to go to University.

University was great fun. I had made a friend, named Trevor, a short fellow with long hair, who always wore black and who was very similar to me in that he didn’t have any friends, was a bit of a computer geek and had an electric guitar. The two of us started writing a chat program, which could be used to have conversations with other students on the University network (This was before the time that one could just download and install MSN Messenger or Skype). We would spend all of our spare time between classes playing chess, working on our chat program and chatting to girls on-line.

The main difference between Trevor and me was our religious differences. I was a Christian, and he had no interest in religion. Trevor listened to a lot of heavy metal from the 80’s. A lot of the bands he liked had dark lyrics. He let me listen to a Metallica album, and I soon became a metal fan too. I loved the guitars. Trevor had a brother, Rodney, who played bass guitar, and the three of us would get together sometimes and try to make some music. Usually it didn’t work out very well, because I was used to playing punk rock songs like Offspring and they were used to playing Metallica songs. I wrote a program to make different drum effects, so that we could use my computer as the drummer.

By about 6 months into our first year at University our chat program had become legendary. About half of the computer science students had obtained copies and some of our lecturers had banned it for disrupting the classes. Nevertheless, we had ways to disguise our chat program by making it disappear and display dummy work screens simply by pressing certain key combinations.

Despite having used the chat program to meet many girls on-line, I still had not met the girl of my dreams. I had dreamt about getting married since I was 5 years old, but many of the girls were not of the same religious persuasion as me, and the other problem was that I just wasn’t attracted to the rest of the girls that I chatted to. I wanted someone as desirable as Ruth, which was very rare. They were nice to chat to, on-line, so that I did, and continued to chat to girls every day in the hope that I would find Mrs Right, the girl who would appeal to me like chocolate coated strawberries and ice cream.


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