The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 2

Dear reader,

I am Nathan Bauer, and this is my autobiography.

I have some strange memories from my childhood of things that cannot be true. I remember sitting in parliament, talking to the president, and I remember having the ability to predict the colours of traffic lights long before we had reached them. I hope, therefore, that I can tell you this story accurately, but if I make a mistake forgive me. I am only human.

It feels like my life revolves around an email I received on the 24th of April, 2001. I call that day ‘E-Day’ (‘E’ is for email, of course). I often think back to that day and wonder what it would have been like if I had not received it. Sometimes I even wonder what the world would be like, but in order for you to fully understand the significance of that email I have to go back 10 years to 1991, and begin by telling you about my childhood, starting at my 13th birthday.

It was a sunny day in Cape Town, South Africa. I was at home and felt like climbing onto the garage roof. I’m not sure why I liked climbing so much; perhaps it was the idea of being taller than everyone else and feeling like I was the king of my castle.

As usual, it was windy on the roof. I stood up, facing the lake and looked around. To my left was Table Mountain, a one kilometre high, flat topped mountain. A neat lump of clouds, known as the “Table Cloth” drifted along the top.

I heard something rustling in the bushes to my right and looked over my right shoulder in time to see a giraffe trotting away. A lion stalked it from behind and just as it pounced an elephant came charging in. Behind the elephant was a bushman, running with a spear in his right hand and a shield in his left.

I’m just messing with you. That didn’t really happen. I get the feeling that some foreigners think that’s what South Africa’s like, but I lived in the city; a place with electricity, computers, televisions, brick houses and tar roads. Instead of wild animals, one could hear the train going past here every half an hour or so.

South Africans are probably a bit more advanced than foreigners think, having invented the Kreepy Krauly, the CAT scanner, and Pratley Putty (our tiny contribution to Neil Armstrong’s trip to the moon).

To my right was, well, that was a poor area. And of course, behind me, to the south, was the sea. One could hear the waves crashing a kilometre away if one was quiet. It was even possible to smell the seaweed.

If you have some time I’d like to tell you the story about my life, from that day onwards, right up until when I become an old man, and in control of the entire world.


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