The Mischievous Nerd's Guide to World Domination
Author: Stephen Oberauer

Chapter 1
Part 1



Because you cannot see me I’ll just tell you a little bit about myself so that you can picture who’s telling the story. I’m a very old and wise looking man, with a long, white beard, similar to Father Christmas, but not fat. I’m actually in pretty good shape for my age. There’s a lot more to me than physical characteristics, but I’ll have to explain it to you in a way that you can understand: 

 Imagine that you’re watching the universe on your home cinema. It’s a huge screen that takes up the entire wall of the round room that you’re standing in. You can see all the stars, planets comets and asteroids. In your right hand you have a remote control with an LCD display. You aim it at Earth and press the zoom button until you’ve zoomed up close, past the clouds and all the way until you can see the people walking around. You use the navigation buttons to travel to your home. You press fast forward and things start to go forwards. On the display of the remote is a time display, measured in days, which is counting up rapidly. You watch yourself becoming older. Soon it’s twenty years in the future and you see that cars have all become electrical, because the world’s oil supply has been used up. You fast forward to see what happens to the Middle East after ten years without oil. You forward another thirty years to the great nuclear war. Wondering who would win the war, you fast forward another forty and see a world covered in dust where hardly anything has survived. Some people live on the sea. They have sailing boats, and live on fish. Some of them are pirates who survive by taking little bits and pieces of whatever other people have left.

It’s painful to watch, and because you’d rather see a happy story, you press rewind and things start to go backwards. You watch the world become green again. You watch yourself getting younger, becoming a baby, being born. You see your parents as they were when they were younger, then you see your grandparents, and you see their parents, and you see the old fashioned cars and the Second World War, and the First World War. You carry on rewinding through history, seeing all the historic events that you’ve heard about. You see Jesus fishing with his disciples, you see who really built the pyramids and you see Noah floating his boat on a sea that covers the Earth. You see the first people, the first animals and the first plants. You rewind faster as the solar system spins backwards and the galaxies travel closer and closer together until they become one solid mass of explosive stuff. The solid mass becomes darker and darker. You’re listening for a sound, because you’ve heard of the big bang theory, but you don’t hear anything because sound doesn’t travel in space. Everything becomes completely black and completely quiet. You look at the time display and it says ‘Day 1’. You press the ‘Show me more time information’ button on the remote. It shows you ‘You are 10.3528343 percent of the way through Day 1’. You hold down rewind and the number counts down … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6… 5.5 … 5 … 4.5 …4 … 3.9. The counter gets slower and slower. You push the button harder, but it doesn’t help. The counter is getting ridiculously slow now and you can’t seem to get earlier than 2 percent. After a while your thumb starts to get sore, but you keep the button down. Smoke starts to emerge from your remote and your hand starts to shake. ‘Where did the solid explosive mass come from?’ you ask yourself. You have to rewind to before day 1 to see and have your question answered but it doesn’t seem possible. You stop for a while and give your hand a rest. It’s at 2.2497672 percent.

After resting for a little while you have another look at the remote. There’s a help button, so you press it. On the display it shows ‘Please ask your question’.

You ask, ‘How do I see before day 1?’

The answer appears immediately, ‘The universe did not exist before day 1, and therefore you cannot see it’.

Still eager to find the answer you ask another question, ‘How does a universe get created?’

The answer appears as quickly as before, ‘Insert a blank disk, hold down the ‘voice command’ button and state your requests’.

You press the eject button and retrieve the disk, putting it in its case along with all the other disks that you have in your collection. The screen goes completely blue and a message appears saying, ‘Please insert a disk’. You open a pack of blank disks and insert one of them. The screen goes completely black and the whole room is filled with darkness, except for the faint, green glow coming from the remote. You cannot see the floor, so you kick it to see if it still exists. It does. You hold down the ‘voice command’ button and say, ‘Let there be light’. An explosion of light fills the screen as billions of stars scatter to form a new universe.

I’m telling you this to try to help you understand a little bit about who I am. I am the narrator of this story, and I am also the creator of this story. I can fast forward and rewind the universe and change things as I please.

If that makes you feel a bit sceptical, perhaps I should teach you a little bit of time theory before I continue?

Time is a way to measure motion, like the hour hand moving on a watch, or messages moving in your brain, or the Earth being created. There is no time until something moves, but nothing will move if it’s not there to move.

Now that you know the theory of time, I can explain to you how to create a universe. You take an infinite amount of space and you leave it for a hundred billion years. Bored yet? You should be, because nothing will have happened.

Now that you have an empty universe you need to create a big bomb to fill it up with stuff. Detonate your bomb. You now have a big mess of stuff. The pieces of stuff spin around each other.

Now you need to add some purpose. Yes, you actually need to add purpose; purpose doesn’t grow on trees. You could make all sorts of pretty things and pretty colours, but if there’s nothing to appreciate them, then the entire universe may as well not exist.

Purpose is created by the ability to feel happiness and the ability to change things, also known as free will. If you add the ability to feel pain you achieve twice as much purpose. A device with these abilities is often called a soul. It can’t be made of molecules, but it will require some sort of a body made of molecules to interact with the universe.

The body will have to have sensors, such as eyes, ears, skin, nostrils and a tongue to receive information about pretty things, and a brain to translate all the pretty things for the soul to understand. It also requires the ability to change things in the universe by means of devices such as hands and fingers. A device with these components is often called a life form.

Next, allow the life form to create copies of its self, and as time goes on there will be more and more purpose in your universe.

This story is about a life form named Nathan Bauer, who had more purpose than anyone else in the universe. I gave him more intelligence than anyone else and kept a close eye on him to make sure that he would make some big changes to the future of life on Earth. Nathan will tell you about his life as it unfolds, and I will fill in any gaps in his story that he doesn’t even know about. While he does that I’ll go and oil my joints. They haven’t been serviced in a few hundred years, so it’s about time that they were.

 

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