JaneInside
Author: Jane U

Chapter 75
I too have a Jiminy Cricket conscience - pg 75

I feel like my whole world is caving in on me.

How could he be doing this to me?  We have been together for three years.  It was only weeks ago that everything seemed normal – and now it has all turned to shit.  He was so caring, attractive and only had eyes for me.  Now he has turned into this leering arsehole, looking at every girl at school.

What really hurts is I’m with him when he does it and he makes it so obvious.  Not only am I hurt, but I’m also embarrassed, I just feel so ugly and fat.  The girls think I’m mad.  I’m 160 cm tall and weigh 48 kgs and to be truthful, it’s because of the little comments he has made that I feel this way.

I remember having the control in our relationship, but I let go of the reins.  We rode together freely and as one.  Now he is this MAD horse that I don’t even know.  I feel so out of control!  I am hurting so much!  It’s like the Mel I knew has died.


We have broken up and got back together three times this week.  He is treating me like his puppet and I am making myself sick letting him control me this way.  I just can’t help myself!  I love him so much.  I keep hoping he will change back to the Mel I know and everything will be back to the way it was.
 

Today I realised it really is over.  He may as well be dead as he is clearly not the same guy I knew.  I’m no longer going to be sad.  I am instead going to be angry, in fact I am.  I am pissed off!  I have walked around school looking so pathetic – crying for a week – letting everyone see.  In the first couple of days people were freaking out and saying, “what happened to the hard, kick-ass Jane we all know?”  I didn’t care that they could see me and that I could hear them talking.  Then they didn’t stare any more - it’s like oh, there is Jane and she is still crying.

That’s when I started to care.  Well I am back and I’m going to kick some ass now …

Fuck it!

He will one day realise what he has lost and there will be no going back – not for me.  This time he has pushed me over the line.

This puppet has cut her own strings and one day will be a real girl.  It still hurts - knowing I have made this decision to give up on us and walk away - but I won’t show it – to anyone.

Where the fuck is my wishing star fairy?
 

I too have a Jiminy Cricket conscience

Jane, are you listening?
Yes Jiminy I am listening
This time
I will do the right thing

He was my knight in shining armour
He would let nobody harm her

He was my reality for three years
The harsh reality ended with stares
Tall, dark, handsome, lean
Captain of the rugby team
I dreamed that we would marry
His children I would carry

It was like my dyke sprung a leak
Too many holes not enough fingers
Our relationship had hit its peak
I feel empty and alone
It is dead and bleak

As for my tears
I have not known
Or seen them
In such a hurtful way
My pain has moved in
It was here to stay
Quick Jane
We must run away
   
He was my life
Down hill we roll
I’m Barbie reject doll
I was an idiot
To think I
Wanted to be his wife
To carry his children
To live that kind of life

He was my life
He would let nobody harm her
He was my knight in shining armour
Why, so he could be the one to harm
  her

Wishing star tease
Give me a girl
Inside of me
A real girl, please

Our song
Can’t live with or without you
Rang true – bye, U2
One day you, I may tell
Although you put me through Hell
Me and her
We loved you Mel

 

 

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