Uncharmed
GenreYoung Adult / Fantasy
Age Rating:R15
Submitted:Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Star rating:
 
(84 ratings)
Read by:2145 different readers
 

Tania's university life was supposed to be normal. Go to parties, meet new people, attend classes, maybe even get a boyfriend. Instead, due to an accident at a party, she finds herself dealing with creatures she thought purest fiction. Creatures like Alexander and his friends.
Alexander's a vampire and his friends include a psychic, a were-mountain lion, a dryad, and a fire elemental. Despite her protests, Alex has decided to adopt her as one of his friends and nothing she says can get rid of the irritating fellow.
With other vampires, were-wolves and creatures Tania hasn't even heard of before being introduced to her, Tania's sure of only one thing. This is all Alexander's fault.

 

List of chapters

Ch. 1 Cross
Ch. 2 Anger
Ch. 3 Introduction
Ch. 4 Helping
Ch. 5 Fall
Ch. 6 Breakdown
Ch. 7 Encounter
Ch. 8 Exchange
Ch. 9 Quiet
Ch. 10 Low
Ch. 11 Surprise
Ch. 12 Friends
Ch. 13 Visitors
Ch. 14 Fun
Ch. 15 Revelation
Ch. 16 Tour
Ch. 17 Party
Ch. 18 Plans
Ch. 19 Question
Ch. 20 Point
Ch. 21 Upset
Ch. 22 Misunderstanding
Ch. 23 Cusp
Ch. 24 End
Ch. 25 Extra1: Alex Speaks to the New Students

Comments

mr.shadow 69 Sunday, 25 October 2015
great book mild issues with not putting names in when you put girl with black hair but did love this story
 
Nim Thursday, 29 August 2013
The beginning of your story throws the reader right into the mix, which I think is really good. I would like to have a bit more environmental stimulation: what is smelt, sounded, looked, felt even tasted like. That would help to get the chaos of the fist scene into place.

Going about this methodically, I'll start at the top.

Chapter 1 part 1
First line, where it says 'Tania was helpless' I want know helpless to what?
Paragraph 3, line 2. 'She had to admit' sounds like she already has something against Alex, which I don't feel she does at this point, and is noting his good looks only grudgingly.
Paragraph 8. 'Flushing hotly' and 'Tania could count...' maybe put into separate sentences? Also, 'she was relieved...' into a separate sentence.
Then, 'unable to take the feeling of those eyes on her.' Did you mean shake the feeling of..? Or take away the feeling of..?
'He's also one of the hottest' Sounds somewhat tacky and not on par with the rest of your writing. It sounds as though you are trying to reiterate an already obvious point, when you don't need to. The reaction of Tania's friend shows he is good-looking and the apple of nearly every girl's eye.
In the paragraph starting 'Muttering about people..', add a comma into this sentence: 'Sliding around and , in some places, pushing..'
Perhaps missed a few words out/added one in: 'And I hope you know that was A mean (thing to do).
Jill('s) laughter was loud.
'You're the one who's the slowest" Sounds a bit too jerky and forced. Maybe change it to something like You're the slow-poke, or, We're not the ones holding everyone up.

Part 2
Ease up on the exclamation marks. Find other ways to describe vibrant emotion such as facial expressions or ways of talking: ‘she yelled.’
'Tania stopped dead in her tracks','..over her chess as she stopped dead' I have noticed in the following chapters that you continue to use 'dead' in this way maybe a bit too often. Maybe try to have it only once every few chapters.
'..and opening the door. "It's Alex!" He called after her' Put a bit more distance between them before she can legitimately call after her, not least because he is supposed to have a clear voice which Tania could hear over the noise at the party.

Part 3
‘What’s with you?’ sounds accusatory, not gentle.
Paragraph starting ‘I do not have a weird grudge..’ change Ella.
‘It’s some kind of ongoing joke he likes to play on people’ sounds too much like you are forcing the reader to get a super-firm grasp on the ‘ALEX IS A VAMPIRE’ thing before you even get to that part of the story. For the moment you should just be dropping subtle hints.

Part 4
Paragraph 1, ‘class’ is written twice, both close together. Try using another word or phrase it differently.
The paragraph starting ‘If you don’t mind..’ you use ‘the girl’ thrice and, again, all quite close to each other.

Part 5
Calling Tania ‘the girl’ this time is fine but I have noticed the same thing happening in following chapters too. We are just getting to know Tania as a character. Referring to her as ‘the girl’ suddenly pushes us back from her again, making her distant and unfamiliar to us. In the next chapters, cut out as many of the ‘The black-haired girl’ s as possible (if not all of them. Do that only with new characters we are as of yet unfamiliar with.
Put in more gestures, stances and description of the environment the characters are in during speech to break it up a little and make the conversations easier to visualize.
Less eye-rolling from Tania. That’s Sarah’s thing, don’t ruin it for her.
Add the ‘s’ on the end of second. ‘If he didn’t leave in the next two secondS.’
‘Like I care.’ ‘You should.’ The following sentence has too many ‘her’ s.
Separate every and day. ‘I’m out in the sun every day it’s nice.’ Everyday means seven days a week, whereas ‘every day’ gives you leave to specify what ‘every day’ means or is.
In the last few lines Alex ‘left’ twice.

If you don’t understand something I have written and want to know what I mean, please don’t hesitate to message me. Despite my list, I am really enjoying reading your story. The humour is quick and sharp and I have definitely been sucked into reading the rest. I look forward to finishing this and starting on the next book. Keep up the great work.
B.N.V. Wednesday, 12 June 2013
I'm loving this book so far! The style is very unique but its nice. I've only read one chapter and I'm already hooked. Great job!
 
JulzFM Sunday, 31 March 2013
Absolutely amazing, both times I've read it. <3
 
KCNiemi Tuesday, 5 March 2013
This is really good! I would love to get your opinion on one of my novels :)

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