Where Did My Life Go
GenreTragedy / Young Adult
Age Rating:R13
Submitted:Tuesday, 12 May 2015
Star rating:
 
(1 rating)
Read by:92 different readers
 

Julie cuts and her siblings cry, her father beats and her mother drinks. she cant stand living in that house anymore but she cant leave unless her grandmother tries to get custody of her and her brother and sister. when her parents find out that she tries to get custody her father does something terribly wrong. when Julie finds out what happened she cuts all over her body. But when her mother finds outs she throws Julie out of the house to live on her own, when Julie sees the outside world she runs to the cops only to be captured by her father and this time he does something life changing to Julie. where did Julies life go?

 

List of chapters

Ch. 1 Chapter 1

Comments

samanthahemmings Wednesday, 20 May 2015
Thank you Kristal i have loved listening to people point out things they love about my story
 
Kristal Sunday, 17 May 2015
I'm going to start by saying that you've created a very interesting plotline that - based off of the chaos in this first chapter - will have lots of twists & turns.
There are a few things I want to point out to you though, assuming you're ok with that sort of feedback.

#1 If you re-read this chapter, you'll notice that you forgot to capitalize quite a few words, mainly at the beginning of sentences.

#2 If you read some sentences out loud, and it feels like there should be a break in there, the general rule is to use a comma, or begin a new sentence if appropriate. Also, pay attention to words such as: your and you're, I noticed you mixed the two of them up at times.

#3 In a way, it seems like some actions, moments, etc, are over-looked, resulting in some parts being "choppy".

#4 Some details in stories require more imagery/descriptive words than others. For example: "I was again met by the ice cold hand but this time it was a punch in my nose making it gush blood."
So, for that sentence - this is just my opinion, something like this would be a smoother read "Once again, I was met by his ice cold hand. But this time, he made a fist and punched my nose, which instantly started bleeding."

*However, these are common mistakes, which, over time, can easily disappear the more often you write.

Other than that, I think you're off to a fantastic start. You've got a good plotline, your writing can really draw the reader in, I feel that throughout this story there will be great character development, there's so much action right off the bat that the reader (or at least for me) can actually feel the chaos - so it's a powerful start.

Looking forward to chapter 2!

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