Watchers And Seekers
by Kacy
GenreFiction / Humour
Age Rating:PG
Submitted:Monday, 15 June 2009
Star rating:
 
(1 rating)
Read by:193 different readers
 

Watchers:Alex
"We'll have to send them to the gates of Hell. They're wierd, they'll probaly like it there. We can't just let them run. We have to eliminate them, that's the only way. So, you guys ready?" I closed my eyes and turned to leave.

Seekers:Callan
"We won't lose this time, we won't run. You lame people have been running for too long, now we attack in an hour. You have that long to get ready." I saw Kyle and Analisa holding hands and felt angry. No! I'm NOT jelious!

 

List of chapters

Ch. 0 Class Order
Ch. 0 Characters
Ch. 1 Alex
Ch. 2 Alex
Ch. 3 Logan
Ch. 4 Logan
Ch. 5 Callan
Ch. 6 Callan
Ch. 7 Leah
Ch. 8 Leah
Ch. 9 Jasmine

Comments

 
Sarah Dylan Saturday, 26 September 2009
a few pointers:
- you could just say "one eyebrow raised in annoyance"
- it wouldn't be hatred. And if that's actually the point then put it across in more ways than just that because it just looks melodramatic on its own.
- we don't need to know the colour of the teachers eyes either. Or your own for that matter unless the character is actually making an observation, or else it doesn't fit.
- pink strands!?
- OK this is the beginning right? Yeah, there are too many characters being introduced at once, and you have a piece of description for all of them. The reader's not going to take in all those names and stuff, they're going to feel overwhelmed and forget. Just refer to a group of people and when a particular person becomes relevant then name them. Don't describe them unless the main character is making an observation though, like looking in the mirror.
- the way you've written it makes it seem as if Bobo said that?

Ok, I'll stop with the criticism now.

Right, I would not expect that from a twelve year old. I couldn't write like that at your age. So well done, it's very good. You're well above the standards of your age group. With time you'll improve even more, just take all criticism in mind and you're well on your way.

Good luck!
 
Sarah Dylan Saturday, 1 August 2009
Seekers like in The Host?

It's so wierd, i've written my story like this too, and one of my characters is also called Logan.

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