You are a very good writer. Your narrative is well structured and very clear. I would suggest though that you also make use of dialogues as a way to make an exposition of your characters thoughts and personalities, for characterization.

Also to avoid confusion and for better readability, make sure that sentences are separated either by a period or a semicolon, if they are not connected by conjunctions, unless the sentences are in a series (ex. she walked, he danced, they all laughed.)

All in all you have a very structured narrative, very clear. And you have very good description and imagery, vivid without overdoing it. Well done.

If you have time, mind checking out mine and giving feedback?

Really well written. I would love to be able to write like this some day. You have so much talent and potential. Excellent, well done.
Mind giving me a few tips with mine? :)