Maria'luz
GenreFantasy
Age Rating:PG
Submitted:Monday, 3 January 2011
Star rating:
 
(2 ratings)
Read by:100 different readers
 

A princess is replaced by her secret twin sister, who's been hidden away for years, in order to protect her from assasins. Will she survive, or will she have to take her sister's place in death?

 

List of chapters

Ch. 1 The Castle

Comments

 
[FAIL] Wednesday, 5 January 2011
Chapter 1:
This is an interesting story you've constructed. I like the premise and I like where it's taking the reader, but there are things that are amiss. Firstly, there are a lot of mistakes in spelling, syntax, grammar, and word use. There are some misplaced "of"s where there should be "have"s and I caught "bare" where it should be "bear." Your syntax gets all garfarkulated in a couple paragraphs and there is some inconsistency in the rest of the paragraphs. I would suggest going back and correcting the mistakes and reading over it with a critical eye.
As far as content, you've got a good basis. But you don't seem to understand your character very well yet. I mean, yes, this is a new story, but you need to have firmly grasped your character, even at the beginning, otherwise what's happening here will happen in other stories. By "what's happening here," I mean the inconsistency in character. At first, you get one impression of her: she's unfortunate, but she doesn't really bear ill will against her family. Then later, after this whole, "You take the place of you sister" she hates them all and she wishes that she had never been born. Although, that is a logical change of heart, you don't convey it very well. It's very choppy and disjointed, like you were coming up with it as you were writing it, rather than having it processed in your mind. Sure, writing can't always be completely thought up in your head. That's just preposterous, but it doesn't seem like you went back to make it flow better. If you did, I apologize, but you might need to do it again.
There is also a little continuity failure. During the part where she's finally outside for the first time in forever, she's so excited and she's taking in her surroundings and then a paragraph later, she wants to go back inside and never see anything again. When did it change? And why? You're leaving out key changes. It's almost like she's got bipolar disorder.
Lastly, the part with the guard. Other than the fact that he smiled, we don't get any further details. Maybe he's not important. If he's not, then leave that out. It's not necessary and it leads the reader to believe he's important. If he is, give some basic details so we can better identify him later. He doesn't need to be remarkable, but give some observation so there is some correlation between the time he appears first and the time he appears second.

I'm sure I had more to say, but I've forgotten the rest. If you have any specific questions about what I've said or if you want me to go over something specific from the chapter. Let me know. Send me a message and I'll be glad to help.
 
Bianca Cambell Monday, 3 January 2011
Dad's suspicous. hmmm...really good book

Can you read mine?

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